Chapter 9

Abraham Lincoln

       Remember, when children fail and want to give up, it is

because of a temporary setback. If something didn’t work out

the first time they tried, children might be discouraged from trying

again. They may feel a sense of failure.

       “Failure is an event, never a person,” said William D. Brown.

Let your children know that just because they didn’t achieve

something on the first attempt, they are not failures. Don’t let

them believe that for a second or it will become a self-fulfilling

prophecy.

       When children lose enthusiasm for something, it may be

because they feel they aren’t talented enough. They fall off the

horse a few times and don’t want to get back on because

they’re afraid of falling. It is important to send the message that

falling behind occasionally is okay. Staying back there is not

acceptable.

Edwin Louis Cole

       “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest

fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not

our darkness that frightens us.” said Nelson Mandela.

Think about that quote as it applies to parenting. The power

bring joy into a child’s life. Don’t be afraid to use that power

and take the child to task whenever necessary. There is nothing

more important in a child’s life than its parents. It is a wonderful

and daunting power.

       Children, and adults, have a tendency to go after their dreams

and interests with fervor. A child who wants to learn to play the

guitar may ask on a daily basis for guitar lessons, never letting

up. The child may strum away at the toy guitar for hours a day

until ready for a real one. When something peaks our interest,

it’s only natural to spend our spare time pursuing it. As an adult,

you may have decided higher education or volunteering at a

local community organization is important. These are things that

piqued your interest and you committed to them at a time when

you were completely enthused by the thought.

       However, a few weeks later when that first major assignment

is due, your enthusiasm may have waned. When your friends

are planning a weekend trip to the beach, you may regret that

you agreed to help your civic club clean the creek on Saturdays.

These obligations started to feel like a burden and you may have

been searching for a “Get out of jail free” pass to avoid your

responsibilities. But you didn’t give up. You took responsibility

seriously because you know that you made the commitment

because those things are important and they make you a better

person in the long run.

       All children go through phases in developing their personality

and how they want to spend their time. There are times when

their responsibilities catch up with them and they want to quit.

These are the occasions when a parent’s influence is crucial to

insist they stick to it. Black Belt Parents reinforce the benefits of

commitment, not becoming a quitter, and the importance of

sticking to a goal until you see it through.

Benjamin Franklin

       I am duplicating two letters from the Dear Abby advice column.

These are wonderful success stories of parents teaching

their children important life lessons at a time when the child

wanted to quit.

Dear Abby,

Your advice to force children to practice was right on the

were no exceptions. My husband got tired of all the fighting and

said “Let them quit - it’s too much of a hassle.” I said “Over my

dead body!” After that, there were few arguments. Today, our

daughter Marylow Churchill, sits principal second violin in the

Boston Symphony, and our son Paul, studied cello at Julliard.

Dear Abby,

I’m a mother who forced her kids to practice. Why not? It was

for their own good. We force our kids to take baths, brush their

teeth and eat their vegetables, turn off the TV and do their

homework, don’t we? My son wanted to quit piano when he

was 10. I said “No way - you are not quitting!” I knew that my

judgment was better than a child’s. Today he is a conductor

and professor at the Cincinnati Conservatory of music.

       I am so proud of the efforts those parents made to insist their

children exceed their expectations and reach levels most people

only dream of. I have so many examples of students in my class

who almost gave up then turned their attitude around. Here’s

one.

       Twelve-year-old Matt wanted to drop out of karate and his

parents wouldn’t let him. At 14, he earned his black belt. At 15,

he was winning trophies at national tournaments and still attending

class twice a week, even when he was sick. At 16, he

here five days a week and his progress at this time was extraordinary.

At 17, he told me his dream was to run a karate school. I

told him that he was well prepared to take on that responsibility,

but first he had one major assignment. He has to thank his parents.

At first, Matt only thought about how he and I had worked

together training all those years. He had almost forgotten the

times his parents drove him to class, in the rain and snow, and

how they gave up their afternoons to drive him to tests, class,

special training sessions, pick up his new uniform, and take him

to tournaments. He forgot that when he wanted to quit, they

didn’t allow it. Matt benefited from all these things that had

nothing to do with how I worked with him. Instead of just saying

thank you, he wrote a letter to express how he felt.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am writing this letter because I wanted to tell you how I

feel. I wanted to write it down so that I would find the right

words.

When you grounded me for skipping school that time

and I couldn’t go to the Eagles game, I told you I hated you.

When our car broke down and we had to ride in a junky

station wagon, I was embarrassed to go anywhere with you.

When you wouldn’t let me quit karate and soccer, I

When you nagged me about who I was hanging out with

and embarrassed me in front of my friends, I told you I wished

you would stay out of my life. And now that I have realized my

dream with a black belt, I can look back at those times and realize

that you did what’s best for me. Thank you for grounding

me. Thank you for driving me around. Thank you for making me

stick to it. And, yes, thank you for nagging me.

I dedicate this to you.

Love, Matt.

       Matt’s parents deserve an award for their successful son.

When you finish reading Black Belt Parenting, don’t just talk

about how you are going to encourage your children to stick to

their dreams. Take action. Don’t let your children make promises

they don’t keep.

       When I started writing this book, I read books and sought

advice from many people, including notable motivational speakers

and parenting experts from around the nation. I thought of

how my own parents raised me and the lessons I learned from

friends. But I kept coming back to one source of knowledge

that really makes up the backbone of this book: my students.

Every day when I teach karate, I spend time with a group of

wonderful children and adults who are the case studies for this

book. They have taught me how to treat people and how to cre-

ate a positive atmosphere. How have they taught me this? By

sticking to their goals with a positive attitude. By achieving

black belt excellence. By showing up for class. By being good,

and then great, at what they do. Our greatest teachers here at

Action Karate have been the students we work with on a daily

basis. They show us that our work is worthwhile and they want

for themselves the same thing we want for them.

       My most concrete proof of the success of this program comes

twice a year when the advanced students prepare for their black

belt test. The preceding months define the character of the people

who stick to the program. These students are edging toward

the toughest test of their training, Black Belt Boot Camp. This is

an intensive workout and testing over several hours that turns

boys, girls, men and women into Black Belts. It is when all of the

training comes together in a physical, emotional grueling day of

showing what they can do and what they know. It is no small

feat.

       As part of the requirement to enter the testing, black belt candidates

have to write essays explaining why they want to go

through the effort and what that effort means. This helps me

gain the understanding that the lessons we’ve stressed over the

years of training have sunk in and they are learning karate for

the right reasons. The essays also give them personal insight by

putting something they believe into words. They gain perspective

by writing then reading how they feel and it brings them

       These essays are touching, inspirational, tough-as-nails and

humbling. I would recommend that every one write out their

goals for everything they do. This will keep the goals fresh and

simply explain why you do what you do.

       The essays I’ve included at the end of this chapter represent a

sample of those who have come through the doors of Action

Karate, who have worked through the challenges in life and are

some of the greatest people I have ever met. The message can

sink in at any age. Some black belts are as young as 10 years

old. The youngest Black Belt is included in the essays and he

wrote the essay on his own.

       And you can teach an old dog new tricks. The oldest person

I ever granted a Black Belt is 82- year-old Dave Hart. The Harleyriding

octogenarian could do more push-ups than many younger

students and exuded the Black Belt attitude.

Within these essays, many common themes emerge that

touch on many of the issues I stress in this book. I hope they

serve as proof to you that living your life with a Black Belt attitude,

raising Black Belt kids and teaching the Black Belt

Parenting is a worthwhile pursuit that leaves everyone who had

a part in it with a greater sense of pride and self-worth.

David

★★★

Shaina Marie

Brian

Brian

★★★

Ryan

★★★

James

★★★

Victor

★★★

Dennis

★★★

Ingrid

★★★

Peter

Do these children sound like quitters to you? Of course not. I

hope you are as inspired by their words as I am. We can learn a

lot from those we teach. After all, helping children achieve their

hopes, dreams and lofty goals is what Black Belt Parenting is all

about.

Chapter 10

Jaesaldin

We have many ways to say I love you.

With a kiss, a hug, a pat on the back, high five, smile or a look.

A small favor or sacrifice.

Or we can just say it.

       Whatever language you speak, make sure your children know

that you mean it. Saying those words over and over again is

very important. Those are the three magic words to live by, to

get you through the hard times and to get your children through

the hurdles in life.

        When I talk to people who don’t realize the influence of

those three words, I tell the story of Raymond, whose parents

never said “I love you.” He was a bitter man who had a hard

time staying in relationships and frequently blamed his problems

on the fact that his parents did not say those three words to

him.

       When Raymond was 26, his mother went into a coma. As he

sat by her hospital bed, Raymond told his mother he loved her,

but, of course, she couldn’t respond. She died two days later.

Raymond was torn up that she died without saying I love you.

When his father became gravely ill with cancer four years

later, Raymond worked up the courage to confront him about

the lack of love. Raymond decided he wanted to resolve the

guilt and questioning once and for all. He visited his father, having

realized this was his last chance to find out why he hadn’t

heard those three words growing up. His dad, with a tear in his

eye, said simply, “Of course I love you. I thought you knew.”

Raymond’s parents could have saved him much anguish in life

if they had only spoken their feelings. They were not bad par-

become a successful real estate agent. Without hearing that he

was loved, though, he was held back from true happiness.

“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I

loved, I did not say so,” he said.

       You will never regret saying I love you. Even when your child

is a teenager, keep saying it. They may not respond or seem to

care that you’re saying it, but I love you are powerful words that

stick on the inside.

       When children don’t hear those words, they can be disturbed

about it for life, always questioning whether they are capable of

love. There are two challenges to loving your children:

       These takes patience, time and unfaltering dedication and sacrifice.

Anonymous

       You can’t simply find the time to be with your children. You

must make time and put it on the top of your priorities list.

Many parents, especially working mothers, feel guilty about

being away from their kids. Well, it is true that nothing can

replace spending time with your children, however, balancing a

life and career is not selfish. What’s important is the quality of

When you are with your children, give them all of your attention.

It is a good idea to occasionally push another responsibility

off your schedule just to let them know your priorities stand

with them.

       Make no mistake, though. You don’t have to feel obligated to

do this all the time. Children have perfected the guilt trip to an

art. Don’t fall for it. If you are busy and need time to take care

of other responsibilities, don’t let your kids down by telling them

how important your other responsibilities are. They will feel like

they are not as important and will feel the need to compete for

your attention.

       Never say, “I want to play with you, but I have to work.”

Address this situation by setting a finite limit to the time you

spend with them so they have specific expectations. If your time

is limited and a child wants to play a game, make it a game that

has a relatively quick end. Perhaps if you play soccer, the game

will end when someone scores a point.

       As soon as this strategy affords you a healthy balance

between work and family, the child will find a new way to push

your buttons. That’s what they do. Your children might try their

hand at the art of negotiation. This is where playtime can be

heart-wrenching.

       Valerie learned this when she played a game with her fouryear-

old son Devin. She is a sales assistant who occasionally

works from her home so that she can be with her son. Devin

spends three days a week in day care and Valerie or her husband

is home the rest of the time. Devin knows working from

home is part of mom’s routine. You never know how children

will adjust to their environment and Devin, in his four-year-old

wisdom, caught on to his mom’s strategy to keep their games

short. Instead of settling for one point when they played soccer,

he started prodding for more.

“Please can we play to five points?” asked Devin.

“Professional soccer games don’t usually go up to five points.

Let’s play for one point. Besides I don’t want to lose by that

many points,” Valerie said.

“Please, please, please,” Devin continued. “How about four

points?”

“How about three and you have a deal,” Valerie said.

Devin smiled at his successful negotiations and made the

deal. It is okay to negotiate with your children to give in a little.

Make sure you hold back, though, so that you aren’t completely

giving in to everything they want.

       When you spend time with your kids, make sure they know

they have all of your attention. Running around to fold the laundry

and answer the phone lets them know you are distracted.

Since you are a busy person, it will serve your purpose to make

that quality time so you aren’t scrambling to make up for it later.

Answer the phone after the game is over, or after you are fin-

ished helping with homework. Or better yet, make the chores

part of a game. If you include the child in doing the laundry, it

saves you some of the effort and the child gets to spend more

time playing with you.

       Your time is precious. Whatever you are doing at one particular

moment has to be your most important task and deserves all

of your attention. Otherwise, you will have to work harder later

to make up for those distractions.

       At the moment you are working with your child to explain the

homework assignment, give it your full attention. When you are

writing an important report to a client, give it your full attention.

Each task will be completed with higher quality without taking a

higher quantity of time.

Do you find yourself having elongated family disputes or mundane

discussions during work time? Imagine spending the afternoon

preparing a highly technical report on a new product your

company is offering. Then the phone rings.

“Hi, mom. What’s for dinner?”

“I’m planning to make spaghetti.”

“We don’t have any sauce.”

“Okay, then I’ll pick it up on my way home from work. Did

you take out the trash?”

“No. It will be done before you get here. Hey, there’s a class

field trip in two weeks to the chocolate factory. Can you be a

chaperone?”

“I don’t know. I’ll check my schedule. Remember to take the

trash out. I’ll talk to you later.”

Now instead of concentrating on your technical report, you

are thinking:

1) Remember to buy sauce.

2) Check if the trash is taken out.

3) Prepare for a field trip and check the schedule.

       That divided focus is fair neither to your company, nor to your

family. It is best to save these conversations for when you get

home. Plan your meals for the week and make time when you

get home to discuss the day’s and the next day’s activities with

your children. This will make you a better employee because

you aren’t sharing your mind with your home activities. This also

forces you to be prepared and avoid unnecessary trips to the

supermarket or other time-consuming chores which will take

away from your quality time with the children, so they won’t

feel short-changed.

       Of course, kids can be impatient and want immediate attention.

At those times firmly let them know you would love to

spend every second with them and suggest something else for

them to do. “I would love to play monopoly with you, right after

you set up the board and alphabetize the properties.” That gives

you time to finish what you’re doing and the child almost feels

like that’s part of the game.

       I would like to give a high-five to all those parents who go the

extra distance to balance work, children and all of the demands

and pressures that come with each. This high-five is my sign of

appreciation for all of the work and sacrifices you have made to

make the world a better place and giving the next generation a

gem, your child.

Garrison Keillor

Harold Hulbert

       How much time can you or should you spend with your kids?

Giving up your entire life for your child is counterproductive

and, in fact, impossible. You can’t spend every waking hour with

them when they are young. As they get older, they will learn to

develop their own social and work schedule. They can’t depend

on you for everything.

       Before children are old enough to get a driver’s license, their

social life may be largely dependent on your willingness to cart

them around. In many cases, the child can lay on some serious

guilt to control the parents.

       Nora’s problem was a daughter who never considered her

mother’s needs. Nora was a a karate student whose 14-year-old

daughter Leah was trying to spread her wings. She constantly

nagged Nora to drive her all over the place, buy her fashionable

clothes and spend time cooking for her. Leah developed a close

group of friends and somehow Nora found herself living their

schedule. Leah needed to be picked up from softball practice

after school, to be driven to a friend’s house, and then she wanted

to be picked up after dinner. On other days, she needed to

go to the library or a softball game. There was no end to the

responsibility Nora was taking on to shadow her child’s social

life.

       Nora was not prepared for the transition between the time a

parent is in full control and the time when children start to

develop their own schedule. She took her child’s schedule too

personally, strapping herself with an unending list of responsibilities.

As she tried to balance her daughter’s life and her own life,

Nora was losing herself. She made it to karate class less and less

and seemed more and more stressed every time she did.

When I asked how she was doing, she rattled off all of the

new responsibilities she had taken on. Nora told me she needed

a break and couldn’t seem to detach herself from her daughter’s

schedule.

        I suggested she contact other parents about a car-pooling system,

something that might make life easier for them, too. I also

told her the best technique is to sometimes just tell her daughter

no. Whenever Nora did not feel up to driving around or wanted

to spend time doing things she enjoyed, she had to put her foot

down.

       Nora found herself in that situation only two days later. She

from a daylong headache. Nora put on her slippers, made a cup

of tea and sank into the recliner in the TV room when Leah

came trotting in with her friend Melanie.

       “Mom, we want to go to the movies,” Leah said.

“I would love to take you to the movies, and I will next week

when I don’t have a headache.”

“But mom, we made plans and really wanted to go tonight.

Melanie can’t go next week,” Leah pleaded.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I am still not driving you to the

movies.”

       And that was the end of it. Leah and Melanie managed to

have fun hanging out in the house. Nora spent the evening in

reading a book just as she envisioned and the next day she felt

100 percent better. She took Leah to the schoolyard to practice

hitting for softball and the incident the night before was a distant

memory. After Nora began setting limits on her time commitments

to Leah, she grabbed hold of life and enjoyed her new

found free time.

       Leah took the bus more often than she’d like and she had to

pay for it with her allowance. But she learned to live with her

restrictions and worked hard so that she would be able to meet

her responsibilities on her own. Mother and daughter grew from

the experience.

       The toughest time in a child’s life may be when the unthink-

able happens: mom and dad decide they don’t want to be

together anymore. This shatters a child’s security and leads to

questions about whether he or she will still have both parents’

love.

       Divorce is devastating for the parents and, as frequently

noted, hardest on the children. Think about how divorce will

hurt your child before you take that step. Make special efforts to

give your child confidence that family will still be there in times

of need. Both parents need to continue to say I love you more

than ever.

       In some cases, one parent divorces the spouse and the child.

This is deplorable. The child is bound to be emotionally hurt and

need an extra effort from the other parent. This unfortunate situation

requires a steady hand of guidance and barrels of

patience.

       Sometimes love means saying no. You feel an obligation to

protect your child from harm. If that means preventing your

child from doing some of the things he wants to do, then so be

it. Life can be dangerous and unpredictable. Saying no is a sign

that you will accept your children’s anger in exchange for your

comfort that they are safe and for the knowledge that they are

likely to be happy and healthier in the long run.

       When your children misbehave, they need to experience consequences,

but they always need to know that you still love

them. That does not belittle the impact of the lesson. It cements

or impatience. You are doing it for their own good to teach

them the difference between right and wrong.

When the going gets tough, love can be tough. Continue to

say ‘I love you.’

       Hugs and kisses go a long way, even for macho men. The following

story illustrates that fact. Dale is a 46-year-old firefighter

with two sons, ages eight and thirteen. He did not give them

hugs and kisses to show his love. He gave them action figures,

video games and games of catch. But when he saw his nineyear-

old niece Angelica, he always greeted her with big bear

hugs and a kiss on the top of the head.

       When Dale was young, his dad showed affection by playing

fighting games and doing so-called macho things, which were

never followed by hugs and kisses. Dale re-created that same

relationship with his sons. This came naturally because he

worked in a male-dominated field devoid of supportive hugs and

kisses, and he was raised to believe this is the natural interaction

between men.

This is not the case.

       Male children need physical affection just as much as female

children. Dale knew how to be physically expressive because he

was affectionate with Angelica, but it took a very dramatic

moment in Dale's life to turn the corner and allow him to show

affection to his sons.

raced inside two burning buildings to try to save many of the

thousands of people trapped inside. The twin towers of the

World Trade Center crashed down on those heroes after they

had directed many people to safety.

       Dale's younger brother Terry was a New York City firefighter

with a company less than 30 minutes from the trade center.

When the images flashed on his television screen, Dale was

afraid that his brother was among the victims. He called Terry's

cell phone and kept getting a busy signal. When he finally got

through, he only reached Terry's voicemail. Dale reasoned that

even if Terry wasn't at the trade center, he would be busy working

somewhere in the city trying to help out with the tragedy

and couldn't answer his phone. Dale wanted to hightail it to

New York to look for him, but all roads in and out were closed.

By 10:29 a.m., the buildings had collapsed. Dale saw fire officials

tell news crews about losing hundreds of men. He tried to

stay strong for his children and took them to a karate class that

night. Dale told his instructor the story in a panicked voice while

his children ran drills on the floor. His instructor brought him

into his office and talked to him for a few minutes about his

efforts to reach his brother.

       About seven hours had passed since the collapse and there

was still no word from Terry. Dale called his mother, but she

hadn't heard from Terry either. While Dale fought to keep his

he thought might help. He gave him a hug.

Dale broke down. He did not cringe from the hug. Instead, he

returned it. It was exactly what he needed. It was a humbling

image that this strong ox of a man could be so afraid that he

started tearing up. As Dale and his instructor talked, Dale recovered

enough to go back out near the training floor and wait for

his children to finish class. Dale was totally stressed and strung

out when he came into the karate school that night. Now, even

though his brother might still be in danger, he looked like a

weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

       At 3 o'clock the next morning, the instructor's phone rang. It

was Dale. He was so happy he couldn't wait to tell him the

news. It turned out that Terry wasn't on duty that day. He was in

New Jersey the whole time looking for a new house. When he

found out about the collapse, Terry scrambled to the scene to

help pick up the pieces, leaving his phone in his jacket.

That day was an eye opener for Dale. He started to show

more affection to his children. He learned to appreciate the

small things and the substantial value of something as effortless

as a hug. No one had to tell him hugging was a good idea. He

figured it out on his own. It calmed his emotions and gave him

an outlet for one of the toughest days of his life. He learned to

appreciate the opportunity to hug his boys. And when he saw

his brother Terry a week later, I'll bet he was met with a hearty

hug, too.

       He may have resented the lack of hugs when he was young,

or had a hard time forming meaningful relationships with people

because he didn't open up. Even though Dale was a great dad,

he was continuing an unhealthy tradition that he had learned

from his parents. He had just fallen into some habits he learned

when he was young without fully thinking them through.

Think about what kind of parent you are. Consider what you

like and dislike about how your parents raised you and whether

you use some of the same methods. Take some time to review

how you punish your children and consider whether it fits into

your overall parenting philosophy. If not, change it immediately.

Everyone will raise his or her children differently and there is no

one right way. There are millions of right ways to raise your kids.

Your right way depends on how closely you stick to a positive

parenting attitude.

Mother Theresa

       It is easy to judge people who are struggling to raise their children.

Show the same understanding and kindness to those people,

as you would hope they’d show for you if you hit tough

times. Everyone makes mistakes, including parents. Did you ever

lose your temper when your teenager was more than two hours

late? Were you wrong when you told your son he couldn’t join

his friends for basketball because you had a headache and didn’t

feel like dealing with it? Did you get too angry too sharp when

your daughter put all the dishes in the dishwasher then forgot to

turn it on? Maybe you lectured a few occasions that didn’t warrant

a lecture.

       Working through mistakes takes time, patience, understanding

and support. Offer these things to any parents you know are

struggling. Criticizing people who aren’t keeping up with the

demands of life isn’t going to make their life better. Remember,

like children, they don’t need to hear, “You should have…” Take

the high road and reach out to someone. Helping others is its

own reward. Your influence may make all the difference in

whether a child is a success or succumbs to hard times. Lost

children do not remain lost children. They become lost

teenagers, lost adults and lost seniors dependent on society to

take care of them. By stepping in and making efforts to help

other families, you are making the future brighter and handing

children a better society to take over.

Love for a child is like a candle flame. Even in the dark, the

light is visible. Let your love be that flame through the sadness

and disappointment in life. That tiny light may be all the child

needs to see through to the other side of the darkness. Keep

that flame burning in the best of times and worst of times.

Even when your children are doing things you don’t like,

respect them and love them. When your daughter wears too

much lipstick and your son gets a nose ring, continue to show

that you love who they are.

Dr. James C. Dobson