Chapter 7

       Have you ever wondered how fishermen can bring themselves

to work each day knowing the vulnerability of tiny vessels

to the open seas? They spend months at a time riding the waves

and navigating through some horrific storms in search of a good

catch. It is one of the most dangerous professions in the world.

In many ways, parents have a lot in common with fishermen.

Each sets out for the unknown, sensing storms and high seas

just over the horizon. Each knows that the challenges ahead will

be a true test of character and each challenge will be more difficult

than the last. The specter of heartbreak or failure always

looms large.

       Yet, the lure of the open sea or the love of a child makes the

risk worth the effort and sacrifice. It may be strange to think

about raising a child in the terms of such danger and reward,

but consider how much of your life is invested in your child.

You must commit an enormous amount of time and energy to

your child. It’s a daunting task and you’ll be raising them right in

a world of rough seas.

John A. Shedd

       If only you could keep your child in harbor for life—an impossible

task for any parent. The only thing you can do is prepare

your child while in harbor for the dangerous seas ahead. All

parents want to protect their children from the scary pirates and

other dangers lurking beyond their grasp.

       Watching a child set sail into the world with well-known dangers

is something you will have to accept. After all, your parents

somehow managed to set you free. Help your children to

pitch their sail on their own, so they will not be helpless in a

wide-open sea where you can’t protect them.

       You may think you will always be around to keep your children

safe, but you can’t watch them all the time. Make sure

they have all the tools to succeed on their own. There will come

a time when you are far, far away and those lessons you taught

will be important.

       Your purpose in their life is to be a parent. Although you may

be tempted to sugarcoat life to make it easier for them, take

your responsibility seriously to teach them the facts of life – the

good and bad. It is not your job to be a friend and hang out

and let them do what they want. Once they hit the rough seas

of the real world, there will be many people who aren’t their

friends. A positive upbringing with consistent discipline will give

them the best opportunity to lead a successful life. That’s the

goal of Black Belt Parenting. Sometimes a child may want to

quit something that becomes difficult.

       Quitting is a learned behavior. The first time someone tries to

quit something, it is part of the growing process and a child will

try it to test limits. The second time someone wants to quit, it’s

okay to want to, it’s just not acceptable to act on it. He or she

has to be continuously conditioned not to give up after the first

try. If quitting is accepted in the home, it becomes an option in

life - throughout life and that can be a tragedy. I believe that it is

possible to instill that message early in life and to nurture wellrounded,

dedicated children who will not give in when the

going gets tough.

       Children must be strongly encouraged (motivated) to do

things that are good for them, whether its homework, piano

practice or eating their vegetables. You have a pretty good idea

of what’s good for your children. Sometimes it’s tough to keep

them on track when other responsibilities get in your way, but

you must keep up with your children.

       You have a wealth of knowledge and love to give them. When

negative messages are mixed in, those gold nuggets you offer

become covered in sand. Sift out the negativity that covers the

real gold mine of advice that you have to offer. That could be a

misplaced word, a negative message or just an angry or disappointed

glance. It’s dirt and it doesn’t belong in the lives of your

children.

       You have every day to make a difference. When children learn

how to quit, it is equivalent to handing them a lump of coal

instead of a gold nugget. Make a commitment to give your child

all the power he or she needs to go for the gold.

       When children want something, one step has to be accomplished

before they start to achieve that goal. They have to make

a commitment. For example, when a child wants to join a little

league baseball team, do you just sign him or her up? Of

course not, the first thing you do is explain what is expected

and that signing up is a commitment. It’s not something that

you do one day and drop the next. This builds confidence and

discipline, which are two key principles of black belt excellence.

Parents must make their children go to school and take their

medicine and brush their teeth – all of that is part of life. The

principles you instill at a young age will follow them throughout

life. They will then have the same skills, determination and diligence

as the most successful people in the world.

       Try this experiment. List the five most successful people in the

world. They don’t have to be the richest. They should be people

who have accomplished great things. Take as much time as you

like and then list them here.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

       When you have all five names, think about what personality

traits you believe makes them successful. What do they have

that other people strive for? Are the same traits popping up for

each person? There are patience, modesty, dedication tenacity,

strength of mind, strength of character, courtesy, intelligence,

action and so many more. Most likely a few words applied to

each person. There’s a very good reason for that: Those are the

ingredients for success.

       Notice that the word action made my list. I hope it was on

yours. That’s what children really need. Dish it out heaping

spoonfuls so they can cook up successful futures and pass

on the magic ingredient to their own children.

It is simply not fair to let children make decisions that will

affect their lives negatively when they are not prepared to make

those decisions.

        Parents do not have to force being friends with their children.

That happens naturally when you practice Black Belt Parenting.

Once they grow past the stage when the parent is responsible

for making their decisions, the bonding will be in place.

Friendship can grow. It is much more crucial that a parent play

the role of disciplinarian than friend. Let their peers be their

friends. Their peers certainly aren’t going to take on the role of

disciplinarian, so who else is left to handle that all-important

chore?

        A student who doesn’t have proper support from parents can

my students, Hector, was excellent and a really tough competitor.

Unfortunately he had a character flaw keeping him from

being one of the best: a behavior handicap. He didn’t work well

with other students. He was demanding and rude to instructors.

He was greedy, arrogant and always insisting on having his way.

When he scored a point or won a sparring match, he would be

a bad winner and laugh at his opponent. When an opponent

scored on him, he would swear that he wasn’t actually hit and

get angry that the judges would score a point against him. He

made up all kinds of excuses as to why he was losing. Hector

didn’t win any friends and the instructors did not tolerate his

behavior. So why was Hector such a holy terror?

       Hector was constantly misbehaving because that had become

acceptable. The 11-year-old wasn’t to blame. He was never

taught how to be a grateful winner or a gracious loser. He was

spoiled. Hector always got what he wanted. He would throw a

temper tantrum to force his parents to comply with his wishes.

And the tactic worked. What other type of behavior would you

expect from an 11-year old given those circumstances?

Hector’s parents were too busy trying to be his friend to ever

say no. He was never disciplined. When asked about this, his

father said, “I want Hector to have everything he wants. I don’t

want him to get upset. If I can afford to give him something,

then he can have it.”

       This left the rest of society to say no to Hector.

In school, Hector was one of the last children chosen for team

games in the schoolyard. He had few friends. In karate class,

instructors were especially tough on him because they knew he

wouldn’t work hard unless constantly pressed to keep trying.

Parents want their children to be happy and healthy with no

limitations. Never using the word no gives your child a handicap

that will make it harder for him or her to succeed in life.

Refusing to discipline your child is giving him or her added challenges.

Success requires much more effort to compensate for the

handicap. Considering the way Hector was raised, his parents

gave their son a serious handicap. He can’t fit in with other children

as easily and succeeding in life will be more challenging.

No one will want to befriend, date, hire or live with such a selfish

person.

       Granted, most parents don’t want to say no to their child, but

forgoing discipline is no road to happiness or fulfillment.

Parenting is a grand struggle between giving to your child and

instituting discipline. It is important for you to think about how

you want to balance those responsibilities. The center line may

be different for each parent. There may be days or weeks or

months when the balance is off. Keep reevaluating what needs

to be done and take steps to reestablish and maintain that balance.

       In a 2001 anti-drug campaign, a series of adults made

emphatic statements about their children such as, “I know my

daughter doesn’t do drugs. I know because I ask all the time.”

How else will you know? You’re the parent. It is your job to

intrude on their lives and watch everything they do. They are

your responsibility and your child’s well-being is the most important

thing in your life. Teenagers may not want to answer you,

but they can’t avoid talking if you ask the question. It is your job

to ask. Know who your child’s friends are, where they hang out

and what they do. Children will make their own breathing room

and they always test their boundaries. You must stay on top of

those boundaries and make sure they don’t stretch beyond the

limits you set. Keep an eye on your children even when they

resist it. In the end, they’ll thank you. And that’s what matters.

Here’s the scary part: the only way you’re going to know you

did a good job is to wait for their development through the

years. You can’t be totally confident that you raised your kid

right until they start making good decisions on their own - and

they don’t do that until they are out of your control. Nagging

and snooping can put a wall between you and your child.

Asking questions is the best way to find out what your child is

doing.

       Who are your children? Can you tell me their likes and dislikes?

What are their goals? You can’t get away with a guess.

       You have to go beyond some half understood explanation and

come up with accurate answers. Get involved. Sure, it will take

a lifetime to see the outcome.

       Take a few minutes to write down some things you think are

important to know about your child. Keep track to find out if

the child’s best friend, taste in music, hair style or sleep schedule

changes. Pay attention to details. If you don’t know how

your children are developing, they will change before your very

eyes and you may not be able to trace or understand the

changes. Adapt to the changes in your child’s life and take special

notes of anything drastic that happens. It is okay to suspect

your child is doing something wrong - drinking, doing drugs or

doing something illegal. It is not okay to ignore those suspicions.

If you have an effective system of discipline, it will be difficult

for the child to lie convincingly. If you are armed with information,

there will be no room for lies.

       There is a common saying: No one can hurt you unless you

let them. This is true, as is: Your kids can’t break your rules without

your permission. You are the boss, the example, the role

model. If the rules aren’t enforced it’s because you didn’t

enforce them and it is your children who will pay the heaviest

price.

       Don’t create high standards for your child one day, only to

relax all of them the next. This creates confusion over why the

standards are there in the first place and it will gradually make it

harder to convince your child he or she is important over time.

This isn’t the same as allowing your child to have ice cream one

day and not the next. That is a schedule. However, allowing

your child to have ice cream for all three meals the next day is a

complete abandonment of your standards.

       Black Belt Parents are consistent in their discipline. Do not

allow your children to talk back to you. Such behavior undermines

your authority for the moment and robs your ability to

guide them in the long-term. When children are permitted to

talk back, the person who makes all the rules loses some of his

or her authority. This takes away the ability to guide children in

other areas.

       Children attain a sense of security through discipline. They

want the freedom to experiment with life, but mom and dad

have to let them know when something is wrong. When the

child can’t turn to mom or dad for that sense of security the line

between right and wrong is blurred. Children who get everything

they want aren’t taught the difference between right and

wrong so they pursue both. This is a difficult way to approach

life because other people, such as teachers and peers, just

won’t tolerate that type of behavior. The child will pay a lifelong

penalty.

       Until children are adults they are not your equal. They do not

have equal say in decision making. If you become a pal to your

clear line: you are the adult, they are the child. If a friend tells

you to do something, does it have the same weight as your boss

instructing you? Of course not. You regard that person differently.

You see your boss as an authority figure and you have to follow

his or her rules. You see a friend as someone offering

advice – advice you can choose to take or ignore. Is that how

you want your child to perceive your relationship?

Discipline is not a bad word. It is not a negative force.

Discipline is not about instilling fear in your children. Children

will follow your directions based on respect and trust if the discipline

is positive. If the discipline is negative, they very well may

respond to their fear. Another word that can be used for discipline

is guidance. Disciplining your child is giving them guidance

for how to behave in the real world. It is also a kind of

education. They will learn from your influence. Discipline is a

way of teaching them what is right and wrong and what values

are most important in life. Unfortunately, failing to institute any

consistent discipline is also teaching them. Both parents need to

agree on and be actively involved in the child’s discipline.

If one parent is lax about punishing the child, the child will

likely walk all over that parent and see mom or dad as an easy

way out of any given situation. At the same time, the same child

will have all the respect and confidence in the other parent. As

much as children hate to hear it, discipline is a sign of love. “I’m

only punishing you to show that I love you.” While that isn’t

comforting when the child is on a time out, or grounded, it

speaks the truth.

       What are the benefits of having a disciplined child? They are

compassionate to others, have good manners, and are eager to

do well. They are willing to work for what they want and realize

that discipline aids in earning things in life, whether those things

are good grades, a great job or a nice car. A disciplined person

learns to do what needs to be done to accomplish specific

goals. The only way to teach children discipline is to set up,

explain and live by clear guidelines. Every parent has the power

and resources to provide that for their child. The lessons you

teach your child from the heart outweigh any presents or

money you can give. Money does not buy happiness. The television

news is flooded with people who have more money and

fame than most of us dream about, but they are chronically

unhappy and unfulfilled. Money can’t do for you what discipline

and appreciation can.

       Discipline must start at an early age. Even before a child is old

enough to do chores, parents naturally take to making sure the

toddler starting to walk doesn’t go down stairs, touch a hot

light bulb, knock over chairs or poke someone in the eye. Those

are the days when discipline is simple because you can easily

control a child’s every move and watch him or her at all times. If

need be, you can physically stop your child from whatever

potentially harmful act they’re about to do.

       When children are old enough to push a vacuum, sweep the

floor or fold their own clothes, let them. Tell them they are

doing a wonderful job, even though the 5-year-old is really

spreading the crumbs all over the floor. You can always follow

up afterward and clean the mess. The point here is to give them

confidence doing chores early on and to make it something

they want to learn how to do. There is no reason to fold your

five-year-old’s clothes if he or she is perfectly content folding

them crookedly and putting them in the drawer that way.

Maybe later when you’re child isn’t home, you can arrange

things more neatly. It’s okay if the clothes aren’t folded perfect.

The child at that age feels a real sense of accomplishment for

doing those tasks without help, even if they’re not done right.

Continuing practice will bring about the necessary skills.

“Our challenge as parents is to be patient enough to allow

our children to take 10 minutes to do something that would

take us a few seconds,” wrote Stephanie Martsen, a family therapist,

in The Magic of Encouragement. Matsen encourages parents

to allow children to develop what she calls their ‘struggle

muscle,’ which — like any other muscle — is developed through

regular exercise.

       What a great way to sum up your child’s early attempts:

they’re flexing their struggle muscle.

       It won’t seem as much of a chore when they’re older if

they’re used to doing it. You won’t be viewed as the only person

who is supposed to do these things. If a child is never asked

to do something, he or she naturally views that chore as a parent’s

responsibility. The chores are small efforts that will erase

the need for as much discipline in the future. When children are

doing their own laundry and cleaning up after themselves, you

will see the effect of your disciplinary efforts.

       When children do something wrong, they very often know

they weren’t supposed to do it and expect to be punished. If

they get away with it without their parents finding out,

they feel guilty. What happens when you do find out about

something the child did, but then don’t punish the act? Their

sense of guilt dissipates. If this happens a few times, the child

doesn’t feel guilty any more over breaking the rules and the

infraction becomes a habit.

       My friend tells a great story on how he learned a lesson about

stealing. When he was eight, he wanted strawberry ice cream

but his mom said he couldn’t have any. He was brooding when

he looked in his parent’s bedroom and saw three dollars. He

took the money and ran to the corner store and bought his own

ice cream. He went to a makeshift tree house in his back yard

to eat the stolen goods and the first few spoonfuls were

absolutely delicious. But the boy realized he couldn’t store his

ice cream because it would melt. So he did what any eight year

old would do. He ate the entire half-gallon. Not surprisingly, he

got sick. When his mom saw what he had done, she refused to

cater to his stomachache. She just left him to take care of himself.

He spent three hours crouching in front of the toilet without

a single word from his mom. She let him suffer the consequences

of his action. To this day, he has not stolen a cent.

He hasn’t touched strawberry ice cream either! His mom’s

strategy gave him an eye-opening experience taught him a lesson

that runs deeper in his mind than the desire for ice cream.

Don’t worry about whether your kids like you. If you need

someone to like you all the time, buy a dog. This is not a negotiable

point in Black Belt Parenting. If your children get angry

when you punish them, that’s okay. It’s a normal reaction. You

don’t need to assuage their anger or take back the punishment.

A misbehaving child needs punishment and it can not come

from a friend. Every child needs a responsible adult to guide him

(or her) and tell him what is right and what is wrong.

Chapter 8

       Children cry indiscriminately. Like adults, they cry when

they’re sad, angry, hurt or embarrassed, but also when they’re

tired, dissatisfied, sleepy, bored, sick, hungry or happy. Crying

helps get them what they want. Don’t coddle children if they

are old enough to understand why they are crying if that reason

is to manipulate a situation. You’re just sending the message

that turning on the tears is an effective tool for the child to get

his or her way.

       I had just such a student in a beginner class. Whenever Scott

didn’t want to do an exercise he would run off the exercise mat

and cry to his mother. She would hold him and tell him he didn’t

have to go back, but a few minutes later, he’d timidly step

back onto the mat and rejoin class. The truth is that he would

get frustrated when he didn’t do as well as he envisioned. He

saw other students around him with more experience executing

the moves faster and stronger, so he’d cry his way out of the situation.

Allowing such behavior to continue would have only made

matters worse. If he were to stay on the mat and practice, he

would be able to kick higher and punch faster and soon others

would look up to him. With some encouragement, mom agreed

to stay out of sight during class. Scott had nowhere to run. The

next time he started to cry, no one coddled him. In fact, we

ignored the crying and complimented his kicks. Within a few

seconds he wiped away the tears and channeled his frustration

into the karate. He never ran to his mom during class again.

A good strategy for dealing with crying kids is to distract them

from the cause of their discouragement.

       Here’s a perfect example. One of my classes was playing a

game similar to touch football. Byron was running with the ball

toward a teammate when he inadvertently ran into a taller and

much bigger player from the opposing team. A collective gasp

fell over the parents when they saw Byron and the taller boy

collide. There was a loud thud and the ball dropped from

Byron’s hands. A few silent seconds elapsed and Byron started

to wail.

       The game halted and everyone stared as Byron stood in the

middle of the floor bawling. I immediately pulled him to the corner

of the room so that he was facing the back wall instead of

everyone else. I asked him what he had for breakfast. He was so

startled by such a strange question that he stopped crying and

mumbled, “Cheerios.” I asked a few more questions such as

how many bowls of Cheerios and so on. Pretty soon, Byron was

ready to rejoin his team. Why did he stop crying? Because he

forgot why he was upset in the first place. Byron wasn’t really

hurt. He was ashamed that he dropped the ball, embarrassed

that a bigger kid ran into him and scared when he realized

everyone was watching. By taking his mind off of that and making

him realize, without even knowing it, there was no reason to

be embarrassed, Byron was able to overcome his fear.

When Byron’s mother saw the collision, she was ready to run

onto the mat and ask the typical questions, “Are you hurt? Do

you want to leave?” Since Byron was embarrassed, he likely

would have exaggerated his injuries and asked to leave.

Later, she asked me what I had said to give Byron so much

confidence. I recommended trying a wonderful strategy the

next time he cried. “First, see if he is injured. Then distract him

from the injury. Encourage him to stand up and move around on

his own and ask him questions while he does it. That way he

won’t be concentrating on being embarrassed. He’ll be busy

thinking about other things and once he realizes he’s stopped

crying, it will be too late to start up again.”

       Byron’s mother adopted these strategies until they were no

longer necessary. Byron stopped crying when he was embarrassed

because he knew if he wasn’t hurt he could get right

back in the game and people would think him a tough competitor.

Now Byron is one of the most outgoing kids in class.