Chapter 5

       At several seminars, I’ve heard the speakers say, “Don’t should

all over yourself.” It is pointless to mention what someone

should’ve done because it is impossible to control the past. So

don’t say “’Ya, ‘shoulda…” and expect your children to work any

time-traveling miracles! Leave “should” where it belongs—in the

past. Black Belt Parents live in the present and look into the

future.

       Using the word should forces children to relive the negative

incident by reminding them of their mistake. Just as you cannot

go back and do things you should’ve done, your child is bound

by the rules of time and place. That may seem like an unnecessary

statement, but consider how many times you’ve thought, “I

should’ve bought batteries while I was at the store,” or “I

should’ve spent more time with him while I had the chance.”

These are natural thoughts. However, it is unfair to bind yourself

to the past and it is unnecessary to do that to your children. It

sets an unrealistic precedent.

       Consider this situation. Hugh McNabb was having a bad day.

His alarm didn’t go off and he got a late start. He missed his

first-period class. At lunchtime, he realized he forgot his geometry

assignment, so he tried to rush back home to pick it up. As

bus. By the time he dashed home and then returned to school,

he missed his geometry class. He tried to explain this to his

teacher, Mrs. Mervine when he got back. She was not interested

in any excuses.

       “You should have brought your homework to school with you

this morning,” she said.

       Now, what are Hugh’s options? He already knows he should

have remembered his geometry assignment, but, unfortunately,

he didn’t. His options appear limited.

       Mrs. Mervine’s comment sets up an impossible task. When

you think about it, Hugh doesn’t have any options. He certainly

can’t go back in time. And Mrs. Mervine isn’t giving him the

option to fix the future. The teacher failed to teach Hugh a valuable

lesson when she had the chance. This is frustrating because

she won’t be appeased and Hugh can’t correct his mistake.

Here are some alternative responses that would have helped

the situation.

       “You woke up late today? Tomorrow, you must wake up an

hour early to come into the computer lab and do an extra

assignment to make up for the class you missed.”

       “I suggest you buy a back-up alarm clock that runs on batteries

and you must not be late to another class this semester.”

“Since your assignment is late, I will not accept it. You must

come to class early every day next week to work on a make-up

assignment.”

       “It is class policy that if you are not present, I will not accept

an assignment. I have to give you a grade of zero. You must be

here on time in every class for the next month and I will erase

it from your record.”

       Notice in all of these options, Hugh can actually do something

and take an action. He’s still not off the hook, though. This

is the kind of balance teachers strive to reach – teaching a student

a lesson at the same time punishment is given. That same

balance needs to be worked out in the home.

Instead of “This is what you should’ve done,” say “This is

what you could do in the future.” Provide the child with an

option to act positively.

       At a recent test for his brown belt, Roy showed up unprepared.

His gi was wrinkled and he forgot his belt. When his

mom asked why he looked like that, Roy said, “My teacher gave

us an extra assignment two days ago and I didn’t have time to

iron my gi.”

       “You should’ve done it earlier instead of waiting until the last

minute.”

       “I know I should’ve done it, but I thought I’d have time,” Roy

said. His mom was disappointed because she usually takes a lot

of pictures of him at tests and she thinks Roy will look

disheveled. He wishes he had ironed his gi, but he can’t go back

and change that.

       “You must change uniforms. Find something else to wear.

You can’t test in that,” she said.

       It may not be what he wanted to hear, but Roy was given an

option. That’s something he can do in the here-and-now. He

can’t go back and iron his uniform, but he can try to find something

else to wear to address his mother’s disappointment.

       Roy decided he would borrow a gi from someone in the class.

Even though Roy was embarrassed, his mom insisted that he ask

his friends who weren’t testing if he could borrow a clean uniform.

No one had the right size gi. As Roy was running out of

options, he finally told me about his dilemma. I knew he was

ready to test and I didn’t want his mom to be upset. I also didn’t

want to let Roy off the hook.

       So I gave Roy a brand new crisp uniform on one condition:

He had to earn it. For the next four weeks, Roy was to come in

an hour early to help clean the school. Coming in early every

week would be a learning experience for him. At the same time,

he knew he was there because he had to look presentable at

special events. Roy actually started ironing his gi twice a week

because he didn’t want to get stuck in that same situation again.

When you are disappointed that your child did something he

or she shouldn’t have done, tie the punishment into future

accomplishment. In this case, Roy’s punishment reminded him

to keep up with his appearance as well as fostering a sense of

responsibility.

       I first started using the word must instead of should on a regular

basis when we played games in class, such as relay races and

mini-sports competitions. For the longest time, I considered

games optional. Sure, I encouraged the students to be supportive

of each other, but I didn’t require them to cheer on their

teammates or help them out.

       In games where the champion is determined by a team effort,

I would tell the class, “You should high-five your teammates.”

Not everyone followed directions. At times, there would be a

few energetic children eager to congratulate each other, but

there were no standard high-fives, congratulations, or encouraging

thumbs up.

       I was under the impression that if they didn’t want to cheer

for the team, they didn’t have to because “it’s just a game” and

not part of their karate curriculum. Besides, they all seemed to

have fun individually. Since they looked forward to playing

games I didn’t want to spoil the fun by forcing rules on them.

One day during a relay race, I noticed that both teams were

sitting there doing nothing while one person rushed down the

training area and ran back. I thought, “What a waste! This is

valuable class time and they need to be more supportive.” I

remembered that I had always found half the fun of playing

team sports is being on a team. I started to slowly inject requirements

into games by changing my vocabulary.

       “You must high-five all of your teammates after your turn.”

Amazingly, the strategy didn’t take away any of the entertainment

aspect of the drills. In fact, it added a whole new dimension

of playing! It may seem strange that it would take effort to

encourage children to enjoy a game more. What stopped them

from that next level of team spirit is that the group was too shy

to share their excitement with each other. They weren’t used to

that sort of communication in school or other activities. They

were used to focusing on individual abilities and performance.

The overall accomplishments of the team became lost in selfinterest.

I laugh when I think about the times my younger brother

would sulk when his team scored a point – because he didn’t

land the goal himself.

       In class games students would think, “Why do I have to highfive

my teammates? We’re not even winning. Who cares?”

Soon, they were no longer given the opportunity to ask those

questions. High-fives became part of the game. Anyone who

didn’t join in enthusiastically wouldn’t be part of the first place

team.

       After this system was in place for a few weeks, I noticed that

some students got so wound up giving high-fives and hanging

out with teammates that they weren’t following along and were

even missing their turn. Going from one end of the spectrum to

the other was an unintended consequence of my plan. They

were so caught up in the teamwork that they forgot themselves

changing my vocabulary worked to encourage teamwork, I

resolved that I could use the same strategy to give students a

       The next time we held relay races, each of the two teams

lined up and waited while the person in front of them ran down

the training area, did marching front kicks, ten push-ups, ten

jumping jacks and then ran back to the line and high fived their

teammates. This is where the breakdown in the game occurred.

Once a student high fives the team and sits down there was no

more direction. He or she would talk in line, play or wrestle

other members, or be otherwise distracted. I’d tell them, “You

should sit together in a straight line like a team.” Occasionally

they showed self-discipline and lined up. Other times, they took

the advice like a suggestion they could choose to accept or

ignore. That’s when I added more musts to my instructions.

“You must sit with your legs crossed while you are waiting for

your team to finish.” They understood that. It is a simple explanation

of what they are supposed to do so they weren’t left to

haphazardly do their own thing. Now if they don’t high-five

teammates then sit together, they can’t win the race. Sitting

essentially became a competition and they hardly realized that

they were sitting nicely instead of jumping around.

       The weeks leading up to the black belt test are the apex of

training. That’s when everyone is expected to be sharp.

Excellent physical conditioning and mental preparation is

required to hold one of the most recognized ranks in the world.

In addition, black belt candidates are expected to write an

essay, read a book, show up to class on time and exhibit self-discipline.

Students who reach the black belt level have completed

countless hours of training. Sometimes I become so accustomed

to their individual talents, rebellions and personalities, I don’t

enforce uniform guidelines for the black belt test. In past tests, I

told the class they should do all of those extra requirements

with reading and writing. By using the word should, I left room

for students who are comfortable around me to skirt the rules.

Some students took advantage of that situation and created a

split between those who did the work and those who chose not

to. I didn’t think it was fair that some students did all of that

extra work while others moved along and earned the same

reward.

       Also, those who weren’t doing the work weren’t learning the

valuable lessons in the assigned books. And they weren’t learning

more about themselves and articulating what is important

about the black belt in their own words. I decided this was too

important a milestone to let it slide. I started saying, “You must

read a book and write an essay.” That meant it was part of

being a black belt.

       Students who probably would have ignored the suggestions

had I said “should” do the assignment were stressing out about

the essay. One student, Edgar, brought in a new version every

week for two months prior to the deadline because he was so

nervous about getting it right. Another student, Alana, was so

caught up in figuring out what book to read that she used up

her allowance buying three books to make sure one would be

good enough. If they were dedicated enough to go through all

of the training to earn their black belt, they weren’t going to let

these other requirements stand in their way. But, in some cases,

they weren’t necessarily going to volunteer to do the extra work.

I kept using the new vocabulary when I talked to students

about other rules they were bending. “You must show up on

time.” “You must practice this kata tonight so you’re ready for

the test tomorrow.” If the word should is used, children feel as

if they have the option to disregard the advice. Saying that

things “must” be done improved the rate of compliance dramatically.

Imagine if your children, boss or spouse followed all of

the rules and complied with your wishes. I’m proud to say my

students have met the challenge.

       Parents need to use must not only when talking to kids, but

when talking to themselves. When you walk past a Baskin

Robbins and are trying to keep on your diet, don’t say, “I

shouldn’t eat this.” Sure, you shouldn’t, but you want to and you

immediately start making up excuses.

       “I shouldn’t eat this, but I didn’t eat dessert for the last two

days.”

       “I shouldn’t eat this, but I haven’t had Baskin Robbins ice

cream in months.”

       “I shouldn’t eat this, but I’m really craving it right at this

moment.”

       If you allow your mind to go through those ideas, you’ll soon

be saying, “I shouldn’t have eaten that.”

at the Baskin Robbins.” There is no room for judgment. The

only option is to walk (or run) past the ice cream parlor. Using

the word should in the past tense makes people feel frustrated.

If someone told you that you should’ve done something, do you

feel relieved? Can you do anything about it? Well, don’t frustrate

other people by using that same language.

       I have to admit that there are times when I have used ‘should’

about things I meant to do – even after I eliminated the word

from my class vocabulary. When I thought about things I should

do, I ended up leaving those responsibilities hanging. Using

should gave me a crutch instead of no excuse for getting done

what I wanted to get done. In fact, the book you hold in your

hands is the final product of my determination to turn a should

into a must.

       I wanted to write this book for a long time, but I kept procrastinating.

I second-guessed my ability to write. I somehow con-

vinced myself I was busier than I actually was. Still, I had the

nagging feeling that writing this book could have a great impact

on many parents. I buckled down, stopped using “shoulds” to

block my success, and finally wrote Black Belt Parenting. I didn’t

want to go to sleep one more night not doing what I must do.

Don’t let your time constraints change you. Don’t let them

dominate you. Make the time. Anything that you think you

should do, you can do—if you put your mind to it. Set every goal

with a must.

       Many people use “should” when they make excuses not to

exercise.

       “I know I should get in better shape, but I work a lot of overtime.”

That’s just an excuse. If you found the time to work overtime,

you can find the time to exercise. Everyone knows they should

exercise, but they don’t get up the motivation to do it. When

you are out of practice, sweating it out on a bike does not seem

like a lot of fun. However, if you worked out for all those times

you shoved the idea into the “should” pile, the excuses would

no longer be there. It would be part of your daily life and something

you looked forward to and something to be proud of.

How many times have you thought, “I should get

in shape?” It’s a common goal and almost as common

are the failures to reach it. Change that attitude

to “I must get in shape” and you’ll be on your

way. Attach it to something that means a lot to you,

“I must get in shape to look great at my child’s wedding.” If getting

in shape is important to you, the motivation of imagining

yourself in a form-fitting gorgeous dress or your old tux at a special

event will do the trick. Change your vocabulary. Instead of

making exercise an obligation or duty, make it a necessity.

Changing that vocabulary with children puts a sense of

urgency in your words that something is important and it is

important now. Instead of saying, “You should do your homework

before you go out,” say “You must do your homework

before you go out.” There’s a major difference there. Without a

doubt, the homework will be done. Instead of saying, “You

should eat your vegetables,” say “You must eat your vegetables.”

There is no room for uncertainty in the latter statement. The

child does not have to think about whether to eat the vegetables

and then make a decision. The decision has already been

made by a wise parent.

       As a parent, you may have some bad habits you think you

should break. Should you give up smoking? I don’t think that’s

a fair question. I think the real question is: Must you must stop

smoking? How are you going to do it?

       Consider the benefits, which include being more active with

your child. That’s not to mention the extra pocket change every

week. Invest that money on improving your health instead of

hastening your demise. I’ve heard many people say they should

stop smoking, but very few succeeded unless they said “I must

stop smoking.” That affirmative rejection of smoking is exactly

what’s needed to mentally prepare for kicking the addiction.

After all, Black Belt Parents have a responsibility to take care of

themselves as well as their children.

Samuel Johnson

       Great communicators have the skill and expertise of a great

mechanic. When a car comes into the shop, the great mechanic

fiddles here and there and determines what is wrong. The great

mechanic can see something, hear something, feel something or

sense something that evades most of us. Great communicators

work the same way. They are the people who seem to hold down

a conversation effortlessly.

       The man who earned the nickname the Great Communicator,

former actor and President Ronald Reagan said, “There are no

such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits on

the human capacity for intelligence, imagination and wonder.”

I went to the mall with one of my married friends to pick up a

few things. Shawn was really upset about his five-year-old

daughter, Cassandra. He could hardly believe someone so

young could have such a stubborn mind of her own. She was

constantly talking back to him and testing how far her rebellion

could go. That morning, she reached his limit.

While he was getting dressed, Cassandra asked if she could

have some soda. Shawn was in a hurry and shooed her away,

but said he’d pour her a glass if she sat nicely and waited for

him to finish dressing.

       Well, Cassandra didn’t want to wait. She walked out of the

bedroom, right up to the refrigerator, opened the door and

pulled out a 2-liter bottle of cola. She held the bottle in her arm

as if she was holding a baby and unscrewed the cap. When she

leaned over to put the cap on the counter, she tipped the bottle

backwards, spilling soda on the floor. It splashed everywhere,

including the ivory-colored dining room carpet. Shawn heard

her gasp and ran out to see what happened. He yelled at her

and gave her a time out. Cassandra just pouted. She wouldn’t

even apologize. As I mentioned, Shawn had had enough. He

asked his mom to babysit and called me to go out. I could tell

he was stressed and agreed to meet him. I picked him up and

he barely sat in the car before he started going off on a rant.

“It’s like she doesn’t care. She can be so defiant. No matter

what I say, she’ll just stare at me like she doesn’t even know

what I’m saying. She has this vengeance,” Shawn said.

He continued rambling on until we pulled into the mall parking

lot and started walking toward the department store entrance.

That’s when he stopped talking and froze in his tracks. I followed

his gaze to the bumper sticker he was looking at and we

both started laughing.

       It read, “Mean people produce little mean people.” Shawn

clammed up and said, “Maybe she’s a little more like her dad

than I would like.” I laughed and suggested ways he might be

able to reach his daughter now that he identified what might be

their common weak spot.

       There is a very fine line between what you can and cannot

control. Find it and begin controlling what you can. Realize this:

as much as your life is dedicated to this goal, you can not control

your children. You can manage them and influence them,

but they are out of your control. For a few blissful months at the

beginning of life, you can control their movements. Even then,

you still can’t control what they do in place. And don’t forget –

change takes time. Your effectiveness as a parent and as a person

is determined by your ability to plan for those things you

can control and to leave room for change when there are things

you can’t control.

       Effectiveness as a Black Belt Parent requires striking a balance

between all the important facets of your life.

Chapter 6

       “The first requisite for success is to develop the ability to focus

and apply your mental and physical energies upon the problem

at hand without growing weary.”

Thomas Edison

       Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in 1879. In a stroke of

genius, he put together all the elements to provide lasting light.

That is, after years of research and about 2,000 failed attempts.

In his previous efforts, he used many different kinds of gases,

glass and threads. He sometimes made progress, but most of

the time he was not even close to a solution.

       “Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do

doesn’t mean it’s useless.... Results? Why, man, I have gotten

lots of results! If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I

haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong

attempt discarded is just one more step forward.... There are no

rules here, we’re just trying to accomplish something,” he said.

Did Edison invent the light bulb in one day or several years?

The correct answer is several years. All of the time and sweat he

poured into his work materialized into something tangible in the

course of one day. However, he never could have reached that

accomplishment without learning about all the possible materials

that could be used and trying each one. In fact, Edison relied

on earlier discoveries to put together all the pieces that make

lasting light. The invention of the light bulb was a collaborative

effort of Edison’s hard work.

       “I never did anything worth doing entirely by accident... and

none of my inventions came about totally by accident. They

came about by hard work. Pretty much everything will come to

him who hustles while he waits,” Edison said.

After he succeeded with the light bulb, he continued to

improve it. His work eventually gave rise to the electric industry.

That’s quite an accomplishment for someone who failed more

than 2,000 times on a single project.

       Don’t ignore all of the success and knowledge you’ve gained

from failure. If you learn from failure, you have valuable experience

and that is a success. Failure should never be the last step

in a process. If it is, then you have quit too soon and you really

have failed. When you persevere, failure is just one of many

steps on the road to success.

       Success is the very last step. Thomas Edison failed many,

many times until eventually he achieved success. If he had only

tried 1,999 times, that would have been a failure. However, he

recognized that each failure was not the end of the road, but

one checkmark in the list of things to do before reaching success.

If he had discovered what materials work early on in the

process, perhaps he wouldn’t have understood why it worked.

He developed that knowledge over the course of his extensive

research while building on the research of others.

This message is obvious when raising young children. When

you first put a baby on a potty, do you expect him or her to use

it right away? If not, do you give up? Of course not, you keep

trying until the child succeeds. It would be silly to say, “That’s it!

You’ll be in diapers the rest of your life!” Use that same persistence

to achieve everything that you want done in your life.

       In fact, use that same persistence on yourself. In many of your

adult endeavors there is more at stake than soiled diapers. No

matter what losses come from failure, pick yourself up and try

again just as you’d expect a toddler to do. Knowing how to

benefit from failure is a key to success.

       One eighth grade student, Danielle, wanted to go to a high

school dance with her friend who was in tenth grade. Her mom

said “no” because Danielle was too young to hang out with

high school kids. In classic 14-year-old behavior, Danielle threw

a fit as if her life would come to an end if she didn’t go.

Danielle acted as if the world was coming to an end. She

said that all of her friends were allowed to go to high school

dances and they were no big deal and on and on. When her

mom said she couldn’t go, she wouldn’t let up. She kept insisting

and fighting with her. Danielle’s mom did not give in and,

boy, was Danielle angry. Her mom knew that as a parent, she

must hold her ground firm and wait for the event to pass. She

could get what she wanted in the future.

       Danielle’s mom was practicing Black Belt Parenting. A week

later, I asked her how the situation was resolved.

“She still wishes she had been allowed to go and she’s not

happy, but at this point, Danielle’s forgotten about it. It’s funny

how things change so quickly. The dance is history. Now, if she

doesn’t get her ears pierced, that will be the end of the world.”

As a parent, you have the wisdom of time and experience on

your side. You know what is right for your children and can

make tough decisions for them. Remember that you were their

age once. They have never been your age. Use some reverse

psychology. Give them respect and a positive response, but

stand firm on your rules. And since you must enforce the rules,

the best way to say no is to say yes.

       This may seem like peculiar advice, but it’s always okay to say

        In Danielle’s case, Maryanne told her daughter, “Yes you can

attend a high school dance – when you’re in high school.”

Despite her daughter’s temporary frustration, Maryanne hung in

there and didn’t give in. Her persistence matched and outlasted

Danielle’s persistence. In all cases, parents have the strength,

motivation and power to outlast their children in these arguments.

Use your power as parents to enforce the rules you think

are important for nurturing your child. They will thank you in the

end. Success is the very last step.

       As Ann Landers wrote, “This, too, shall pass.” But the lesson

will endure. Deep down a good seed is planted. Your child

knows what is okay and that it is your job to raise them so they

don’t grow up too fast or too slow.

       Never say no to your children. That may seem like strange

advice, but it is not as simple, nor as off base as it sounds. The

answer to every yes/no question should start with yes and end

with a condition for getting what the child wants. Black Belt

Parents don’t have to resort to an inflexible, conflict-building

“no.”

“Can I get a new dirt bike?”

“Yes, if you earn the money to pay for it.”

“Can we stop for ice cream on the way home?”

“Yes, if you vacuum the living room when we get back.

“Will you raise my allowance?”

“Yes, if you raise your grades to straight A’s.”

“May I sleep over my friend’s house tonight?”

“Yes, if I can talk to your friend’s parents about it and you can

guarantee you’ll be home by 9 a.m.”

       Children can have anything they want, as long as they meet

standards you set up. I offer the wisdom of Rabbi Neil Kurshan,

in his book, Raising Your Child To Be A Mensch. “Teenage

rebellion is a testing process in which young people try out vari-

ous values in order to make them their own. But during those

years of trial, error, and embarrassment, a child needs family

standards to fall back on, reliable habits of thought and feelings

that provide security and protection.”

       It’s imperative for parents to insist that children do what

they’re supposed to do, when and how the parent expects it to

be done. If a child skirts responsibility early in life, it becomes a

natural reaction to obstacles in the future. Each time an excuse

replaces responsibility, a brick is placed in the wall between the

child and success.

       There are times when children can get a special treat, or

slightly break the rules without major consequences. That’s part

of life. However, the point here is to establish a habit or basic

structure that children can follow so they know what’s right,

what’s wrong, what’s expected, and the potential outcome.

Children look to you for guidance on what is correct behavior,

what is normal, how they should respond in certain situations.

Rebellion is a way they have of looking look to parents for guidance.

It is the job of a parent to watch that rebellion closely and

rein it in whenever you deem it to be overreaching. Don’t quit

on your kids by letting them have their way. The challenges (and

gray hairs) they bring will not be nearly as bad if the children

stick to your basic rules.

       There are some children who are more rebellious than others.

If a child wants to quit karate, but you know karate is good for

him, your child may not respond to your nudging and positive

insistence. That’s no reason to give up. Quitting sets up the

child for a lifetime of letting emotions get in the way of achievement.

A healthy dose of persistence can be injected into every

relationship. Persistence shows the child you are tough and that

they need to learn toughness to hang in there with you. The

stronger they are mentally, the better prepared they are for the

challenges of life.

       Insist that your child work hard on difficult tasks. Helping him

or her with homework does not mean looking up the answers.

It is rephrasing the question or asking a series of easier questions

leading to discovery of the final answer.

       I have a student, Kelly, who swore that she could not, no matter

how hard she tried, do a shoulder roll. This move is similar to

a forward roll, except your body rolls over your shoulder at an

angle. If a student falls forward in a self-defense situation, he or

she can go into a roll and pop back up rather than hit the

ground. In a shoulder roll, the head doesn’t touch the ground,

so the move can be done anywhere, even on concrete. It’s not

complicated, but it requires practice until the motions come naturally.

Kelly wasn’t ready. Every time she tried, she would flop

over onto her side in a half-roll or smack her head against the

ground then push herself over. After the first five or six attempts,

she didn’t want to try anymore. Her head started to ache from

hitting the ground and she said it felt awkward to try a shoulder

roll. She was uncomfortable doing the move because she felt

foolish when she went into it wrong then had to pull herself up

from the mat instead of popping right up. She didn’t want to do

it anymore.

“I can’t do it. My head hurts,” Kelly told me.

“Okay, I understand you’re frustrated. Take a break. Get a

drink and stretch your muscles and then come back,” I said.

After Kelly’s three-minute break, she still resisted trying. I told

her she didn’t have an option. If she quit, her movements would

always be limited by her mind’s perception. A shoulder roll is

not a back flip and it doesn’t require a lot of physical ability. It’s

about maneuvering your body across the mat quickly and landing

on your feet. I told Kelly the shoulder roll was a requirement

and sent her to another area of the training mat to practice with

another student, Matt.

       Matt had mastered the shoulder roll earlier in the week, but

he needed practice. I wanted Kelly to work with him so that

between her attempts, she could see it executed the way it is

supposed to be done. Matt was not resistant to doing shoulder

rolls – to him, it was just practicing another move. Since doing

too many shoulder rolls in a row can make you dizzy, I told

them to run a lap in between each roll. Kelly sluggishly jogged

around the mat after each attempt. Like clockwork, Matt did a

shoulder roll, jumped up and started jogging. Then Kelly would

throw her body towards her shoulder and somehow end up in a

giant heap in the mat. She then pushed herself up and jogged

around in a way that looked like she was dragging her feet as

she bounced.

       I have to admit Kelly wasn’t able to do a shoulder roll by the

end of the day. The next day she was looking forward to sparring

instead of rolling. I had another idea in mind and insisted

that Kelly try again. I told her that if she completed the roll, she

could go back to sparring. I didn’t want Kelly to give up, knowing

that if she kept trying she would make it.

       Her first efforts were way off the mark. I occasionally took a

break from class to show her again and again how she could

move her arm to do it. “Pretend someone is pulling your arm

toward your waist and let your body follow your arm,” I said.

Well, that didn’t work either. I tried again and it clicked. Kelly

flipped around and she was so shocked that she made it in one

move that she almost fell back down. A look of accomplishment

washed over her face. There is no doubt that all those seemingly

futile attempts were worth it because she got what she wanted.

Kelly learned that by sticking to it, she could accomplish anything.

How many times did Kelly fail? Not as many as Thomas

Edison, and he pressed on. You can give up only after you’ve

tried at least 2,000 times. How’s that for a great rule?

       If you practice discipline and persistence now, the enjoyment

and reward will come later. I had started teaching karate at the

same time I started college. I knew that higher education would

provide a better foundation for success. I desperately wanted to

be the best karate instructor running the most successful business.

That’s not because of an overwhelming sense of competition,

but of an overwhelming desire for success.

       There were many sleepless nights and even more restless days

when I wanted to give up. I wanted a college degree, but at

times it didn’t seem worth it. In my first semester, my grades

were fair. The truth is, I never “accidentally” forgot to do my

homework. I made that choice every single day. When I choose

to be lazy today, I am also making the choice to fail my classes

tomorrow.

       When I saw my grades at the end of the semester, I resolved

to be a better student, never wanting to feel the disappointment

again of failing to meet my own expectations in class. I knew I

had the ability to improve my average and it was up to me to

stick to the goal of earning “B’s” and “A’s.”

        The next semester, I made vast improvements and got better

grades because I earned them. It was the hardest time in my

life, but the work paid off. I made the decision to work hard for

four months with little immediate payback in exchange for the

future benefits. That small sacrifice then helped make a big dif-

ference in me becoming a better businessman today.

       I was able to reach my goals through hard work in college

and in those start-up years of the first Action Karate. I enjoy my

work and have accomplished a lot more than if I hadn’t made

the investment in a college education. Today, there are 17

Action Karate schools. Of course, hard work and responsibilities

never end. But I have a great career built from a solid foundation

set up early by being persistent in achieving goals.

       Teach your children the important lesson of sticking it out

even when a situation doesn’t seem to go their way. If a child

gets a poor grade on a chemistry test, it’s not time to quit. It’s

time to suck it up and get back to hard work. When the situation

is not the most advantageous, do what you have to do to

get the job done.

       Take the example of a student who was working on an essay

for his history class. Karl was in ninth grade and the 10 page

assignment was the most he ever had to write. His teacher gave

the class one month to complete the assignment. Karl tried to

get ahead of the schedule by working on it a few hours a week

the first two weeks. He checked out a few books from the

library and typed a few pages. On the Saturday before the

assignment was due, Karl was typing away on his home computer

when there was a sudden power outage. His house, along

with 200 neighbors, was without power for two hours. Karl was

furious. An afternoon’s work was lost forever. He had plans to

go out with friends the next day and told his mom he didn’t

have time to make up the work. He wanted her to call his

teacher and explain what happened so that he could get out of

the assignment. Mrs. Kaplan refused. Why? In real life, copping

out is not an option.

       If Mrs. Kaplan’s computer fails, she can’t call her boss and tell

him she didn’t get any work done because of a power failure.

Mrs. Kaplan told Karl he had enough time to finish the report

before it was due as long as he didn’t go to the movies with his

friends. It wasn’t Karl’s fault he was in that situation, but he had

to adjust to the circumstances. Hey, that’s life. Karl’s Sunday

was a boring day, but at least he finished his report and learned

a valuable lesson.

       One of my students broke his arm in a car accident three

months before his black belt test. Eleven-year old Russell was

stuck in a bad situation. He had two choices: earn his black belt

on time by working harder or feel sorry for himself and wait

until his arm healed. Russell’s mom didn’t give him that second

choice. She is a believer in the idea that when life hands you

lemons, make lemonade. Russell did a fine job of squeezing

every drop of lemon juice out of his untimely injury.

        During the next three months, Russell concentrated on kicks,

stances and punching with his right arm only. For every limitation

caused by his broken arm, there were twice as many routines

he could practice instead. Russell even learned how to do

a one-handed cartwheel. He could spin twice as fast in his spin

kicks. He learned a new knee sweep that doesn’t require using

both hands.

       When the cast came off one month before the test, Russell’s

left arm was weak and he had to strengthen it. All of the training

to make up for the loss of his arm prepared Russell for the physical

therapy and rehabilitation that followed. Russell’s doctor

marveled at how quickly he recuperated.

       Before his arm fully recovered, it was time to qualify. At the

test, he favored his right arm and had little use of one side of his

body. That made the push-ups all the more difficult. Not even a

broken arm will get you a free pass through a black belt test.

His performance relied on three-quarters of his limbs to perform,

and they did. He overcompensated for his arm by showing

off the new moves and making adjustments to techniques to

use another form of defense. He passed with flying colors

thanks to his persistence and the accident that opened up his

abilities to a whole new level.

       Not only that, Russell was very active at school and played a

part in the school play. In his scene, robbers attack Russell. The

script called for him to use his arms and the scene wouldn’t

make sense if Russell held back. He suggested to the teacher

that he pretend to hurt his arm early in the scene so he was in

too much pain to use it. It worked great! No one in the audience

even noticed that the script had been changed. Russell

took a bad situation and made it better. He showed great black

belt attitude.

        Successful people work through their fears and hesitations.

Even when they don’t feel up to giving 100 percent to a project,

successful people do it anyway. Thinking about things you have

to do and dreading them won’t provide the motivation to get

things done. This is best expressed in the simple philosophy:

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Following

that advice means that no matter how you feel, you will do

what needs to be done.

       Take action. If you don’t feel like doing something, no amount

of logic will likely motivate you. However, if you are getting

work done, even work you don’t feel like doing, the sense of

accomplishment might put your emotions in a more positive

light. Feelings won’t change your action, but action will change

your feeling. Don’t let frustrations, disappointments or defeats

set you back.

        In the 2002 Olympics, an extraordinary drama unfolded in the

last lap of the 1,000-meter short-track speed skating race. A

pack of skaters collided a few feet before crossing the finish line.

The favorite to win, American Apolo Anton Ohno, was among

the skaters in that pack. His chances of getting the gold were

slashed when he hit the ground as another skater who had been

well behind the crash skated to gold. Ohno did not give up. He

crawled across the finish line and captured the silver medal.

Ohno could have easily stayed on the ice until the race ended,

but he didn’t give up. Even though he knew that the gold medal

was already taken, he rebounded faster than the other skaters

and still earned a coveted silver medal.

       “I’m not shooting for No. 1. I’m just trying to give my best

and walk off the ice with no regrets,” said 19-year-old Ohno.

He has nothing to regret in that performance. He needed six

stitches in his left thigh from a cut suffered in the fall. The silver

medal isn’t bad for a guy with six stitches who crawled over the

finish line. In the same Olympic games, he went on to win the

gold in another event.

       That same persistence, determination and devotion to raising

“gold medal” children is what separates Black Belt Parents from

the also-rans.