Chapter 3

     “And” is a constructive word. “But” is a destructive word.

“But“ can be replaced with the word “and” in almost any sentence.

Which sentence is negative and which is positive?

1a. I want to let you stay up later, but you’re not old

enough.

     1b. I want to let you stay up later and you will when you’re

older.

     2a. You did the first part of your homework correctly, but the

second part is wrong.

     2b. You did the first part of your homework correctly and the

second part needs a little more work.

“I know you didn’t mean to disobey me and I want you to

think about that when you are in your room the next three

nights.”

     What comes after the word “and” still isn’t necessarily going

to be what the other person wants to hear. That happens in

most cases, especially when a parent is fulfilling the role of disciplinarian.

It’s a lot easier for your kids to take what they don’t

want to hear when the negative is connected to a positive.

”And” serves the same purpose as brakes in a traffic crash.

The crash is bad news and having the brakes prevents a much

worse situation. It even affords some relief.

     “But” creates a traffic crash. Using the word “but” is like taking

someone’s argument and running a vehicle into it at a high

speed. There is no need for “but” to be there. It doesn’t connect

two statements. It cuts them in half and places added stress on

the second statement, even when the meaning is not intended.

In a debate with your child, inserting the word “but” implies

he or she is wrong. It can catapult a minor disagreement into a

major argument. Both sides feel their message is being constantly

refuted. And in a very real sense, that is correct.

     “I’ll do my chores later.”

“But I told you to do them as soon as you got home from

school.”

     “Yeah, but this is my favorite show.”

     “I know you love that show, but I expect the dishes to be

washed by 6 o’clock.”

     “They’ll be done by 6:30.”

     “But I planned to start dinner earlier.”

     It seems that at every turn, someone’s “but” is sticking out.

The conversation is going nowhere and both sides seem to be

getting frustrated. You may even agree partly with what the

child is saying. The parent knows the child is watching his or her

favorite TV show and the child knows when dinner is supposed

to be ready. What’s standing in the way of a resolution? You got

dizzy. A response with a “but” and counter response with

another “but” and so on develops into a tornado of words. How

can this be resolved? Take out the “but” and insert “and.”

Let’s rejoin that earlier conversation.

       “I’ll do my chores later.”

       “And I told you to do the dishes as soon as you got home

from school.”

       Notice the response is the same. Instead of being a contradiction,

it is now an extension of what the child previously said

about doing those chores. It’s easier for the child to agree with

the statement because it’s not insisting that he or she is wrong.

Negotiation and open discussion are now possible. The brakes

have been applied and a bad crash is no longer an inevitable

event.

       Negotiation is necessary to solve the conflict because both

sides have competing interests. Working together might result in

a solution that makes both sides happy.

       The gentle influence of using the word “and” instead of “but”

can fit into any conversation. I use it when I talk to parents

about how their child is performing in class.

Correct: “Katie is really tough and her willingness to hang in

there will help her move up in the long run. She could really use

some encouragement.”

       Incorrect: “Katie is a tough girl, but she is falling behind. She

       These two three-letter words can make a big difference in what

you say. To play off of Muhammad Ali’s famous strategy, “and”

floats like a butterfly and “but” stings like a bee. Four-letter

words aren’t the only ones that rattle the emotions and produce

arguments. The correct usage of three-letter words can make the

difference between a fight and forgiveness.

       Children are very sensitive to the admonishments of a parent.

The relationship can be contentious as parents play the role of

disciplinarian and it doesn’t have to be that way. Children will

respond to what you say. Whether they respond in a positive or

negative way depends on how you phrase your comments.

       Using the word “but” puts a concrete wall between two statements.

The meaning of the first statement is lost and the person

listening only hears the second part. The words in the second

statement might as well be booming out of a microphone decorated

with fancy lights and fireworks.

       The word “and” serves as a bridge to connect two statements

and relate them to one another in a positive way.

       “You are a great student and you need to be in class more

often.” That bridge is easy to cross. The student can use his or

her great abilities, as identified in the first part of the sentence,

the more often they’re in class, as noted in the second part.

“You are a great student, but you need to work on your tech-

niques.” With that slight change, the bridge is burned and all the

student knows is the flaw. The message that someone is a great

student is hidden behind that concrete wall and the need to

work on techniques is an ugly flaw staring the student in the

face.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

       A classic example of using the word “but” is in examining

your child’s report card. I don’t know about you, but most people

are not straight-A students. If most people worked really

hard and got B’s, they would be quite proud. All of that pride

for a job well done could be diminished if someone pointed out

that a B is second best. The statement could make someone feel

terrible and there are ways to avoid putting someone down who

doesn’t quite make the mark.

       Mrs. Farley’s son Pat was normally a great student. He placed

well in advanced classes during his freshman year. In the first

semester of his sophomore year, though, Pat’s English grade

dropped from a strong A from the year before to a C+. His

other grades remained at the top of the class. Mrs. Farley took a

look at her son’s report card and said: “You’re still doing well,

but you got a C in English.”

       Notice Mrs. Farley set up the sentence with the positive and

ended it with a negative. Ultimately, she was expressing disappointment

in Pat’s grade. The sincerity of the original phrase

became lost as soon as the word but popped into the sentence.

If her goal was to change Pat’s attitude toward his English grade,

she succeeded only in throwing a lack of success in his face.

She should have adjusted the way she conveyed the need for

better grades to a more positive statement.

       When the child hears ”but”, the sincerity of the first phrase is

questioned and the child may feel under attack. It is important

to toe the line between compliment and criticism so that both

messages get through. Your objective is to congratulate your

children for a job well done and let them know falling grades in

other subjects is not acceptable.

       Tell them in this format: “You did a great job and this English

grade could use improvement.”

       Think how Mrs. Farley’s statements could affect Pat’s

thoughts. He might think “I’m bad at English. I can’t do it. I’m

not good enough.” Don’t let those thoughts resonate in your

child’s head. Redirect their mental circuits to his or her

strengths. Soon, your child will stop mulling over failures. Instead

he or she will be championing abilities and applying them to the

areas that need improvement.

       For example, “If I work as hard in English as I did in algebra, I

will get a better grade.” That seems easy enough. However,

other emotions could be at work if, for example, Pat did work

hard in English and still didn’t do as well as expected. In that

case, he needs to be motivated to take that next step and work

harder.

       Make sure your children understand that the task at hand can

be done and you are willing to stick by them through the

process.

       Mrs. Farley could say, “I found English a challenge in high

school, too. I got a tutor who really helped me and I’d like to

get you a tutor. Would you agree to that?”

Since getting tutored isn’t always fun, it may be worthwhile to

add some sort of reward to tutoring. For example, after each

session the child can stay up an hour later that night or get

cookies during tutoring. I was never did well in English class. If I

had associated it with cookies, though, I’m willing to bet a

chocolate chip cookie that I’d have my old English book practically

memorized. Tutoring day would turn into cookie day and

that’s something to look forward to. If children have a positive

attitude toward doing work, they are more likely to comprehend

it.

       The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but

words will never hurt me” is not correct. Sticks and stones can

break bones. However, most conflicts never get so far as to

cause physical harm. But words flung in a conflict may make a

mental impact. They can hurt.

flaws or accentuate them. This will only lead them to re-create

the same behavior. It would be foolish if in an effort to improve

your child’s behavior, he ended up concentrating on his flaws

and putting himself down.

       Basketball great Michael Jordan said, “You have to expect

things of yourself before you can do them.” You have to expect

things of your children before they can expect things of themselves.

Once that ball is in the air, it become a three-point long

shot from mid-court headed right into the basket.

       You are what you think you are. If the child is taught to concentrate

on the negative, he or she makes that negative a selffulfilling

prophecy.

     I had a student, Ray, who was fast, intelligent and talented. He

had a real natural talent and placed high at tournaments. In

class, though, his dedication faded. He did not practice his techniques

and frequently messed them up in tests. It was especially

frustrating to see him mess up an easy technique because I

knew that students with a lower rank looked up to him.

Ray would brush it off and he did not make any efforts to get

it right after he was corrected. This went on for months. I kept

telling him, “You have a lot of talent, but you have to practice

your techniques.”

     Ray continued to hone his natural talent and snapped super

fast kicks in complicated competition katas. He was able to per-

attention to detail in understanding the art of karate continued

to be lacking. And his effort to nail down defense techniques

was non-existent. He would basically “go through the motions”

so it appeared he was trying until we reached the part of class

in which he excelled.

       After he failed a promotion test because he didn’t know his

techniques, I asked him why he didn’t practice them. His

response was, “I’m not good at techniques. I don’t like them.”

I was at a loss for words. I knew that if he would practice

them as much as he did his kicks, he would be great. It became

my mission to show him that. At a seminar in Las Vegas two

weeks later, I told the speaker my concern about Ray.

       “Ray is a smart, talented boy. He is always pushing his limits

with the kicks and katas, but he never listens or puts forth effort

when we go over self defense techniques,” I said.

Immediately, the motivational speaker said, “Aha! I can tell

why he is not motivated. It’s because you’re not telling him

how to get better.”

       I was absolutely insulted. I always try to be a positive influence.

I started to defend myself, “But, I…”

He cut me off and said, “That’s it. You said ‘but.’” Don’t use

that word when you talk about him or to him. Telling him he’s

great, BUT he needs to work on techniques is separating techniques

from greatness. ‘But’ is standing in the way.”

Even though I had been telling Ray he was talented at kicks,

Ray did not make the connection that he could also be great at

techniques using that same talent. Why? I had built a wall called

“but” in between the two sentences. Ray heard me when I said

he was great at kicks. He knew that. However, I wasn’t properly

sending the message that techniques could be mastered as an

extension of his talent.

I returned from Las Vegas early Monday morning with the

intention of sleeping off the plane ride and leaving class up to

other instructors. I was so eager to try out what I had learned in

Las Vegas, though, I could hardly sleep. I decided to go to class

because I knew Ray would be in, as he usually came to class on

Mondays and Wednesdays. I didn’t want to wait till the middle

of the week to start making a difference.

As soon as we broke up into groups to go over techniques, I

made a special effort to tell Ray, “You are a great martial artist

and I‘m glad you are practicing that technique.” Instead of sticking

“but” in the middle of the statement I used “and”.

I built a bridge in Ray’s mind instead of a wall. How did that

change Ray’s thinking? It connected the two thoughts that a martial

artist and tournament champion practices techniques. He

practiced a little more that day and over the next two weeks I did

not let up. I made special efforts to point out his ability at techniques.

Wouldn’t you know, he started practicing them with the

same fervor with which he practiced kicks and competition katas.

       The prospect of promotion is a great motivator for my students.

They look forward to moving up in rank and promotion

nights are always special events for those participating. The parents

crowd the visitor’s area with cameras and proudly watch

their children demonstrate the moves needed to step up in rank.

At the end of the ceremony, students take off their old belts and

strap on the new ones to resounding applause. Many times parents,

friends and relatives who don’t usually bring the child to

class show up for these events. For many people, it marks the

first time they’ve seen the child practice karate.

       Before the ceremony, we test the children to make sure they

are prepared to perform their techniques and to qualify for the

next rank. It is not an effort to point out what they don’t know,

but an opportunity for them to show off what they do know.

This is a great time because the students are happy to have visitors

and the visitors are impressed with the students’ abilities.

The room is usually crowded with gushing parents and beaming,

energetic children.

       I use promotion nights as an opportunity to teach friends and

relatives methods to motivate children at home. I want to

improve the lives of everyone who steps into my school even

once and to provide some nugget of knowledge they can apply

to improve their own lives. Promotion nights are a great opportunity

for me to reach out to more people.

       I carefully select my lessons on promotion nights so they

apply to both students and parents. Since I have the attention of

a larger audience than usual, I struggle to make sure this lesson

will be meaningful. I try to draw examples from real life and one

night I was able to do that after hearing an altercation between

a student, Chris, and his father, Mr. Jacobus.

       Chris advanced from his orange belt to purple belt at the ceremony.

The rank of purple belt also pushed him from the beginner

class into the black belt training course, so it was a special

milestone. Mr. Jacobus had been on the sidelines throughout

Chris’ training and usually watched him practice in class. He was

disappointed that Chris wasn’t very sharp on one of the techniques.

As soon as the ceremony ended, Chris ran off the training

floor to his dad. The conversation went something like this:

“Why did you hesitate on that last technique, ‘Striking Asp’?”

Mr. Jacobus asked.

“I don’t know. I forgot it,” said Chris.

“But you had plenty of time to practice.”

“I know it. I just messed up.”

“I know you had it right before, but you’re a purple belt now

and shouldn’t be messing up.”

Mr. Jacobus used the word “but” several times and the excitement

of getting the belt had dissipated for Chris. He didn’t feel

like he accomplished anything because his dad told him that, in

essence, he wasn’t a true purple belt.

       It was clear to me that Chris knew the technique because he

had done it flawlessly in class several times to qualify for his purple

belt. He probably made a mistake because he was in front

of an audience and had developed a mild form of stage fright. It

was a slight mistake and his father was probably the only person

who noticed.

       Mr. Jacobus approached me and said that his son was practicing

at home, but he did not have the moves down. I knew he

did not mean to negate his son’s accomplishments. I told him

that it was okay for students to make mistakes as long as they

worked to improve them. Even though Chris was behind in

doing “Striking Asp,” he finished the technique and executed

the rest of his techniques in class.

       I told Mr. Jacobus to encourage Chris to practice the orange

belt techniques in front of him at home to get him accustomed

to performing before an audience. I also told him that

concentrating on that mistake was, as the saying goes, missing

the forest for the trees. Mr. Jacobus had every reason to be

proud of his son and I encouraged him not to lose sight of that.

Chris worked very hard to earn his purple belt and he needed to

know he deserved it without any “buts.”

Mr. Jacobus later told his son, “Chris, now that you’re a purple

belt, children in the beginner class will look up to you. Let’s

practice to make sure you know all your moves perfectly!”

Mr. Jacobus did just that and he wasn’t disappointed in Chris

again. Even if Chris made a mistake, his father learned to cushion

the blow with the word “and” instead of “but.” When Chris

made a mistake in class a few weeks later, I heard Mr. Jacobus

say, “You have the first part of the kata correct and you’ll nail

down the second part after a few more days of practice.”

That’s exactly what Chris needed to hear. And that’s Black

Belt Parenting.

       The word “but” often precedes negative news. If you heard “I

know you want a raise, but …” What would you expect to hear

after that? The rejection of the raise would probably come next.

“I know you want a raise, but we can’t afford to give everyone

more money. Sales are down.”

       That’s a big set-up for a big let-down. There are better ways of

getting across bad news. Putting a bright slant on it may soften

the blow.

       “I know you want a raise and I really appreciate your hard

work, so the next time I can free up money from the powers

that be, I will write you a check. Business is a little slower this

year and I know you deserve more money. It may take a little

more time. We do owe much of our success to your hard work

and if you could wait just a little longer, I think that can be

arranged.”

       That’s not the same as cash in your pocket, true. However,

the unfortunate message put in a more positive light will prevent

aggravation and resentment. Using “but” would have made for a

real adversarial relationship.

       One summer, I was in the ticket line at the airport on my way

to a seminar in Florida. Airports can be very stressful and I saw

tempers hit a boiling point between a customer service representative

and a customer. The man had bought a ticket for a

flight scheduled to leave 45 minutes later, but was already

delayed by 30 minutes. The irate customer complained that he

had to get on an earlier plane to make a business meeting.

The airline representative replied, “I see, but we don’t have

any flights leaving earlier. All flights to Florida are delayed due

to thunderstorms.”

       “How could this happen? The weather is fine in Florida,” the

man replied.

“Yes, but flights got backed up earlier and there won’t be air

space until later,” the agent said.

“But my meeting starts in a few hours. What kind of airline is

this?” the man said.

“But we have to get other passengers waiting since this morning

on a plane.”

The fight went on and on. The airline couldn’t do anything

about the delay and the man was going to be late, but the small

war of words continued.

       The customer wouldn’t accept the situation because he was

only hearing the excuses, not the explanation. Eventually, the

airline representative called another employee to deal with

other customers in line and I got through without a hitch. As I

lugged my bags to the terminal, I thought about how roadblocks

stood at every corner of that conversation. Both the airline representative

and the customer resorted to “buts” that kept the

conflict from reaching a satisfactory resolution. They could have

gotten the plane off the ground by pushing it down the runway

easier than they could have solved their conflict through those

three-letter words.

        Think about this airport scenario the next time you are being

dragged into a no-win confrontation with someone. We can

practice Black Belt Parenting. We can really communicate with

our children. We can teach and we can learn.

       If only we can get our heads out of our “buts!”

Chapter 4

Abraham Lincoln

16th President of the United States

Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary

arrange or adjust for a purpose …

American Heritage Dictionary

3. To put into words.

Webster’s New World Dictionary

Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary

       Framing is a verb. That means it’s an action word and it

requires effort. Pre-framing is character building by drawing an

image in someone’s head that benefits that individual as he or

she makes progress prior to actually making the progress. It is

developing a pattern for success as a prerequisite to achieving it.

Pre-framing describes or anticipates a positive future based on

what someone is doing now.

       Pre-framing is an important concept I use on a daily basis to

motivate people. In all of our karate classes, pre-framing prepares

students for the next step in their journey to black belt status.

Everything we do at each class level lays the framework for

the next step. In the beginner class, basic kicks get them started.

Those basic kicks become spin kicks in the black belt training

course. And those spin kicks become jump-spin kicks in the

advanced class. The next goal is black belt and the goal beyond

that is black belt excellence. How excellent can you get? The

sky is the limit. It is a never-ending cycle of improvement.

In martial arts, excellence is all about taking knowledge from

one part of training and applying it to the next. You don’t train

for hours each week and then wake up one day as a black belt.

Katas (series of moves strung together to make a routine)

improve self defense techniques, which improve sparring, which

improve katas, and so on. The experience accumulates and

each step of the journey is one of many challenges that gets you

there. You don’t graduate high school and miraculously

become a college student. You first learn basics in elementary

school and build on those throughout primary education. You

evolve to the next level rather than taking a flying leap. We use

pre-framing in every single class on every level – not just in the

context of earning a black belt. For example, I tell the students,

“If you master this kick, you’ll be awesome in tomorrow’s class.”

Pre-framing is multi-layered with each goal overlapping over

time.

       “You don’t run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks

and a secret recipe,” said Frank Shorter, after he won the Gold

medal at the 1972 Olympics marathon.

       Shorter’s words are true for all sports. I’d also add that you

don’t raise good kids with good looks and a secret recipe. You

can’t wait for time to pass and expect success to fall in your lap.

You’ve got to earn tomorrow’s success today.

Elbert Hubbard

       Pre-framing begins early. My partner, Miss Jacque, teaches the

three and four year old Asah Sharks with the same philosophy.

The class of energetic tots is ecstatic to wear a gi, or karate

uniform, and class is playtime for them. It is a great opportunity

to introduce pre-framing so that it comes naturally as they get

older and prepare for the next stages in their training. If they

learn early to expect their work to pay off with future benefits,

that frame of mind will stick with them throughout life.

       Miss Jacque tells the Sharks to put on imaginary black belts so

they kick like black belts—not like untrained kids. It is remarkable

how the children respond to this technique. They smile brightly

and imagine they are kicking as black belt champions.

Pretending they are wearing black belts makes them feel

stronger and in fact they actually act stronger. They even talk to

each other jokingly about their new belt.

“Check out my black belt!” the children say to each other,

pointing to belts of all different colors. They have fun imagining

the future achievement of the real thing. This is the first step in

teaching children at such a young age that a black belt means

excellence. Starting early puts them on the right track to

respond to pre-framing in the future.

       As beginners they are not ready to go through extensive testing

and perform complex moves. They are, however, being preframed

to expect a higher level of performance at each step

until a black belt is reached. We teach that you can perform like

a black belt at every level. We have several students who started

at age three or four who went on to earn their adult black belts.

They continue training to this day. They don’t know what preframing

is or how it affects them and at the same time their attitude

toward improving is positive as a direct result of pre-framing.

I like to say that all of our students are black belts from the

moment they hit the training floor—they just haven’t earned the

belt yet.

Robert H. Schuller

       Pre-framing is a great technique to motivate children to stick

with whatever activity they pursue. Whether it’s something as

important as the lifestyle of martial arts, playing the piano, soc-

cer, or chess, pre-framing establishes the benefits of an activity

and encourages the child to continue through to reach the

upper levels of the benefits.

       Think about the Asah Sharks who learn early that it’s best to

kick like a black belt. That develops confidence, strength and

self-discipline. The black belt represents the epitome of these

great characteristics and stopping short of that goal is giving up

too soon. When parents tell me their child is considering dropping

out, I tell them that it is important to make sure the child

follows through on any goals he or she has set.

       When parents enroll for a certain karate program, it is important

that the child follows through and completes the goal,

whether it is a blue belt or black belt. Reminding the child of

the goal at every stage of the game is pre-framing and helps

keep him or her motivated.

       It’s natural for people to think toward the future as a better

time. Using that same mind set, motivate your children to do

the right things now so that their vision of the future becomes

reality. Working hard in school and having a positive attitude

about the work prepares them for a lifetime of success. The

more preparation, the smoother the sailing when future challenges

show up.

       Allowing children to bail out early sends the message that it’s

okay to give up on a goal. It may set a precedent so that they

think they can give up on anything. This behavior won’t serve

them well later in life when they pursue a romantic relationship,

educational advancement or a career.

       Consider the age-old complaint of high school students: I will

never need to use algebra later in my life so why do I need to

learn it now? This is an opportunity to teach them the

value of using their minds critically in complex math and formulaic

situations, which they in fact will encounter in the future. It

may be a losing cause to sing the praises of algebra as applicable

in of itself to a future career. As a karate instructor, I’m confident

I haven’t used algebra since high school. However, using

that part of my brain to solve algebra equations prepared me for

the complicated world of running a business.

       Tell the child, “If you do your homework, you will be ready for

next year’s challenges. You will have practiced using critical

thinking in other classes which gives you knowledge to land a

great job.”

       There’s always a reason for doing your best at everything.

       If you are a typical optimist, the future always looks brighter. It

starts at a young age and continues each year. What is accomplished

is soon forgotten as we begin thinking about the

achievements ahead. The preschooler can’t wait to go to the

“big kids” school. Grade school children want to play sports like

the middle school children. Those in middle school look up to

the high-school students who drive and date. The high-school

kids anticipate freedom and independence in college and college

students look forward to financial independence and a

good job.

       It doesn’t end there. Adults see better financial security as

they move up the corporate ladder. Financial independence is

always one promotion away. When the children grow up and

move away, life will be easier. Then retirement becomes the

next, best thing. Soon you are long-retired and looking to the

future turns into looking at the glory days of the past. Ironically,

in the past you weren’t concentrating on how good things were

at the moment. You were contemplating a distant future—where

you are now.

       However, this can trap people into forgetting about all of the

great things in the present. As each stage of life slowly morphs

into the next, don’t forget to recognize the goals and milestones

reached. As you raise your children, appreciate the success

you’ve had in getting through school and starting a family and

how pre-framing prepared you for the excellent parent you are

today. Being a Black Belt Parent doesn’t start when the child is

born. It starts with learning how to take responsibility in your

earlier years and being a good example. Each stage in life is not

a clean slate.

       If you’re able to visualize how your behavior will affect and

improve your life, you will better prepared to make the right

decision. Hey, if it worked for Ebeneezer Scrooge, it can work

for you. In Charles Dickens’ novel A Christmas Carol Scrooge is

given a unique look at his life. The ghost of Christmas Past

showed scrooge how his past behavior turned him into a stingy

old man. The ghost of Christmas Present showed him current

events he had managed to overlook. The ghost of Christmas

Future showed him possible outcomes if he didn’t change his

behavior. Once he saw his options, the grumpy character decided

to change his ways and vowed to be kinder.

       Since we don’t have the luxury of a storybook’s perspective

on our own lives, take the advice of someone who did,

Ebeneezer Scrooge. Recognize the lessons in everyday life and

pass them on to your children so they will have a strong foundation

to become whatever they strive to be. Take a lesson from

Scrooge who said, “I will live in the Past, the Present, and the

Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not

shut out the lessons that they teach.”

       Take some time to think about how your behavior now might

help or hurt your chances of reaching the next milestone in your

life. Will watching sitcoms for two hours a day help you get a

promotion? Will allowing your children to watch three hours of

cartoons a day in elementary school prepare them for hours of

homework in middle school or high school?

       Since people naturally think the future is going to be better,

use that belief to motivate your child to do the right things now.

It doesn’t matter what you want to be. What matters is the kind

of person you’re going to be and how well you do what you set

out to do. If you want to be successful you have start now and

never give up.

Malcolm X

       In karate, an example of pre-framing is having the students

jump high in an intermediate class. This prepares their muscles

for later jumps and kicks. To some, jumping may seem juvenile

or unrelated to karate.

       One mother angrily said, “Why is Noel jumping up and down

in place? That’s not karate!”

       I told her that practicing high jumps now prepares them for

the next step in their training. In all classes, students know that

earning their black belt is the ultimate goal and everything they

do every time they train brings them one step closer to reaching

that goal.

       That’s Black Belt Excellence.

       I work hard to keep the black belt in the forefront of their

minds at all times. That is pre-framing. It is important to keep all

of your child’s goals at the forefront of his or her mind and to

associate every action with having an effect on that goal. If one

goal is getting straight A’s, every homework assignment is preparation

to earn a better grade.

       “Hey, I see you’re doing your geometry homework. Great job!

       That hard work will definitely be reflected in your report card.”

One of our goals when we spar is to improve all of our karate

skills and to use those skills in the ring. One way we do this is

by practicing drills wearing full gear: mouthpiece, head gear,

feet gear, hand gear and shin pads. They practice everything

including punch combinations, moving around the ring and

blocking hits. Students may not get into hand-to-hand combat in

their sparring gear. They are paired off in twos, and do something

as simple as knee lifts or squats—moves that certainly

would not earn them a point in a sparring match.

       One father asked me why the class was wasting its time doing

something that couldn’t turn over directly into sparring points.

I told him, “Obviously when they’re sparring, squats won’t do

them much except tire them out. They’re not at the advanced

stage where they are able to move effortlessly around the ring

and land points. Getting them used to all different positions that

resemble parts of kicks or ducks while in gear with their hands

up is the first step. This way, they won’t all of a sudden have to

add a whole new element to their sparring when they reach the

higher level and have to scramble with all kind of moves around

the ring. If they practice now, they will already feel comfortable

getting into awkward positions they’re not used to and won’t

hesitate to do it when the time is right.”

       Without using the word, I told him we were pre-framing for

black belt success.

       Every negative thing you do now is like smoking - it will eventually

catch up with you. Smoking is an easy example because

the hazards are so clear and also dependent on time.

I caught one of our 16-year-old students behind the school

smoking a cigarette before class. At the time, Ed was a brown

belt in the advanced class who liked to rebel and would occasionally

make a smart-aleck comment. When he saw me coming,

he put out the cigarette. I asked why he was smoking.

       “It’s no big deal,” Ed said.

       I reminded him that smoking was dangerous to his health.

“It doesn’t matter. I can still do everything in class. I’m doing

just as good at school and karate as I was before I started smoking,”

he said.

       “You’re right,” I said. The truth is that I’m sure the bright kid

did well in school and he was progressing very nicely at karate.

He was right that smoking wasn’t hurting his abilities at the

moment, but he wasn’t thinking about how smoking was affecting

him on the inside.

       “Do you want to earn your black belt in a few years?” I asked.

“Yeah, and I will. It’s not like I’m ‘gonna quit karate because I

smoke.”

       “Smoking slows you down and cuts off your ability to

breathe. You won’t be able to train as hard and the workouts

aren’t going to get any easier. Smoking will catch up with

you. Have you ever seen a smoker go up the stairs and become

winded? You have to be better than that to pass the black belt

test,” I said.

       “But smoking gives me energy in the morning and I don’t eat

as much so I’m in better shape,” he said.

       I explained that those side effects were temporary and that

smoking eventually slows people down. I asked him if these current

so-called benefits were worth giving up on his future goals.

“No, but I said I’m not going to give up,” Ed said.

“Picture yourself as a black belt. Now picture yourself as a

black belt with a cigarette in your mouth. Does that look right

to you?” I asked.

       “I guess not. I’m only smoking a little bit anyway,” he said.

Ed had to learn the lesson that current behavior affects future

performance. He didn’t think of any of the dangers of smoking

because none were apparent at the moment. He didn’t see the

tar sticking to his lungs, his clothes were still fresh and his breath

was passable.

       “Why are you training so hard now?” I asked.

“So I can get better and be a black belt,” Ed said, right on

point.

       “Obviously, then, you see how what you do now affects how

you’re able to do things later,” I said. “It’s the same thing with

smoking.”

        Ed was speechless. He was known for his comebacks and this

time he didn’t have one. He suddenly realized that every time

he smoked, he brought himself one step closer to an unhealthy

life. Ed had already been exposed to the concept of pre-framing

in how his parents raised him and how we taught him at karate.

He probably gave in to peer group pressure when he started

smoking. He needed a reminder of why smoking is such a bad

idea. Thankfully, he realized that there are more important

things to life than puffing on cancer sticks and he went on to

earn his black belt.

       If you smoke now and end up on an oxygen tank in 25 years,

then you’ll know how your behavior pre-framed your future. If

you stay in good shape, 25 years from now you’ll be active and

feel younger than your years.

       While keeping an eye on the future rewards of today’s work,

remember that today’s work is also its own reward.

       A great way to put pre-framing into perspective is to think of

segments in broadcast news programs called “teasers.” Right

before a commercial break, news programs “tease” an upcoming

story without giving away the heart of the story. It keeps the

viewers interested and sets them up for what is coming.

Teasers are especially important in the news because each

broadcast is so different. People don’t know what to expect. In

other television programs, people have a reasonable idea of

what kind of drama will unfold on the other side of a commercial

break. If you’re interested in the story plot of a soap opera,

sitcom or sports game, there’s a reasonably high chance you

will stick around for the rest of the show. When it comes to the

news, the segment before the commercial break may be about

a double murder, but the show returns to a segment on the

local fair, sports scores, weather forecast or medical breakthrough.

Pre-framing gives the viewer an opportunity to get a sneak

peak at what is coming up so they hopefully decide that what’s

ahead will be interesting. After watching the first half of a news

program one night, I was ready to flip off the television when

the news anchor teased a story on fitness.

       “Coming up, is your fitness routine the right fit? Stay tuned to

find out some of the hottest trends in fitness that may work for

you.” As the female anchor talked, images of buff people in

tight clothes using odd workout devices flashed on the screen.

There was no treadmill, aerobics class or weight bench. Working

out has always been a part of my life and although I was sleepy

I stayed tuned and waited another 15 minutes before the segment

came on. It was worth the wait. A dietician talked about

cardio kick-boxing, a program we’ve done at our school for

years. It was enlightening to see a new perspective on the subject.

Without that tease I wouldn’t have watched the segment.

       When I teach katas, students don’t learn the series of 15 to

50 moves in one day. They comprehend best using the pyramid

style of teaching. After each new move, you return to the begin-

ning and practice up to the new point. As time goes on and

each move is added, the students are able to build on it and

remember the kata. Their minds are pre-framed to learn this way

and I depend on repeating what works. It is the best and fastest

way to learn and have the information stick.

       Pre-framing is about showing the child that hard work can

give you a nice house, respect, a successful career and much

more. Pre-framing is not only about showing your children the

positive rewards of hard work. It’s also about showing them the

dismal alternative if they don’t work hard. Take them to a really

nice neighborhood or a car dealership and show them what

their future hard work can buy. While pushing a materialistic

agenda is not a good idea, children respond well to concepts

applied visually.

       A good friend of mine, Harold, worked his way up from living

in a very undesirable neighborhood to a nice home on the main

line in Philadelphia. He did his best to make sure his children

enjoyed the finer things in life. They lived in a nice house, rode

in top-of-the-line cars and ate at nice restaurants. His children,

Marc and Alison, go to a private school. However, Harold made

sure they knew his roots so they would not take their situation

for granted.

       For his son’s 11th birthday, Harold bought Marc a new bike.

The next day, Harold found the $300 present on the ground in

the driveway. Luckily, it didn’t rain. But Harold was angry that

Marc didn’t appreciate the value of the gift and take care of it.

He discovered there were scrapes on the handle bars and that

Marc had not even attempted to use the kickstand.

       When Marc heard that hard work would earn him a better

life, he had no way of visualizing that beyond what he wanted

the next day. To teach his son a lesson, Harold drove Marc

about 20 minutes away to the poorest section of town. Marc

never been there and typically Harold wouldn’t want his son

going there. However, a strong dose of harsh reality was just

what the doctor ordered.

       During the hour-long drive, Harold explained what he went

through growing up and said that Marc’s future was not set in

stone. Harold talked about the conditions in the ghetto, how

easy it is to get there and how hard it is to get out. He said the

trip was necessary because Marc did not seem to appreciate

how good he had it. The vision of what life is like on the other

side motivated Marc to begin earning that good life. Trips

through degenerated neighborhoods were necessary a few

more times over the next couple years to keep Marc’s head

straight. Each trip hammered home the point. Harold’s ability to

keep Marc’s head out of the clouds and feet on the ground is

the work of a great dad—a real Black Belt Parent.

I think it is appropriate to end this chapter on pre-framing with

a quote from Lord Baden Powell: “Be prepared.”