Chapter 1

Muhammad Ali

       There are no problems to be solved. There are only challenges

to be met. Raising children is both a challenge and opportunity.

For most parents, it is the most challenging task in their lives

and the one that can afford the most rewards and heart-wrenching

disappointments. Raising children is an opportunity to cast

your love, light and knowledge to others, to help them grow

into the people you know they can be so they can achieve their

greatest potential.

       Your children have faults. Sometimes they will break the rules,

and how you respond to those infractions will have a lasting

impact on their development.

       Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court

Douglas was speaking about a judicial decision when he said

this, but his words also speak to the role of parents. Parents

have the job of challenging their children even if it means

annoying them. As a karate instructor, I use that philosophy in

class.

of “cause and effect.” When the bedroom is clean (cause),

there’s time for an extra hour of TV (effect). When the green

beans are eaten, cake is an option for dessert. When a child

misbehaves, the effect should be a learned lesson, not a prolonged

punishment. The effect will determine if and how they

learn from the situation. The philosophies in Black Belt Parenting

will help you create a positive effect from such efforts so there

is genuine, positive and long-term learning.

       When I started teaching, my standard procedure was to condemn

children who did not satisfy my expectations or execute

their moves perfectly. I would use punishments such as making

students do push-ups in front of the class or run laps. I thought

that by pointing out their flaws, they would focus their efforts

on fixing them.

       That was my flaw.

       Pointing out their flaws did not motivate anyone to fix anything.

I just created a negative focus on the situation. If the students

couldn’t immediately meet expectations, they would

become frustrated and not want to continue training. The students

who practiced the least got the most attention. It became

clear that the only way a student could get attention was by

messing up. My focus on flaws was the cause that resulted in

the effect of students seeking negative attention.

I learned about the concept of challenging at a seminar in

challenge them. Instead of insulting someone for a blunder, challenge

him or her to improve their methods of doing things.

       Instead of being complacent where you are, challenge yourself

to improve your life and the lives of people around you.”

Those are great goals and a worthwhile way of looking at situations.

I incorporated challenging in class and encouraged parents

to do the same. It worked so well that I have enough success

stories to fill an entire book!

       Instead of focusing on the errors, I learned how to focus on

what’s right and use that as a launching pad to suggest potential

improvements. It worked great! Enrollment increased, retention

rate increased and I have a much better relationship with students

and their parents.

       The competition is no longer for negative attention, but for

positive accomplishment. Now the only way to get attention in

class is to pay attention and do your best. Instead of doing pushups

as punishment, students compete to do the best or the

most push-ups. This same, positive, martial arts approach can

work just as well for you and your children.

       The key to a successful challenge is making sure the reward is

appropriate. Money and junk food can be rewards for certain

situations, but positive feedback can also be a reward. In class,

positive attention counts as a reward. Something as simple as a

       I posed a challenge to students in class to do something nice

for their mother one Mother’s Day. A few children suggested

ideas. The next day I found out from the parents that they had

not followed through with promises to clean up their toys and

clear off the dinner table as they so proudly suggested in class.

When I gathered the class before bowing out, I asked what

everyone had done for Mother’s Day. Few children raised their

hands and most stared at the floor. One boy, Bradley, had lived

up to his word and had cleaned up his room as promised. I

decided to make Bradley an example so that others would emulate

his kindness.

       I set up a chair on the practice floor and lifted him up to

stand on it. He nervously stood about 6 feet up and smiled at

the class. I directed the rest of the students to line up behind

me on the other side of the gym. We ran up one by one to give

Bradley running high-fives. Bradley was a positive example and

the other students envied his position. Bradley smiled from ear

to ear as the center of attention and laughed as students

jumped to reach his outstretched hand for a high-five.

The next day before class started, I didn’t even have to ask.

Five children tugged on my pant legs with eager stories of helping

at home and asking if they could stand on the chair, too.

Parents were astonished at how the threat of punishment was

not needed to motivate the children to do something good.

       Anytime a student goes above and beyond what is expected or

accomplishes a meaningful goal, I set up the chair and show

him or her appreciation with a round of high-fives. It is a simple

reward, but it works.

       What version of the chair can you set up in your home?

Sometimes a challenge is necessary in response to bad behavior.

In one case, a student wasn’t doing his homework and his

grades were steadily falling. Tony’s teacher had called the house

several times to let his mom know he wasn’t doing his work. His

mom had tried taking away his video games, his bike and

allowance, but Tony still wasn’t improving his schoolwork.

His mom asked for my help. “I’ve tried everything. I know

Tony listens to you. Is there anything you can tell him to get him

to do his schoolwork? Tell him he can’t go to class unless he

does his work,” she said. I told her that it was a bad idea to

threaten removing him from class, especially when karate was

such a positive influence in his life. It would be like taking away

the vegetables from an otherwise unhealthy meal.

       Rather than threaten to take karate from Tony, I sat down and

talked with him. I asked him why he wasn’t doing his work and

he just shrugged. Tony was not motivated and I hoped a challenge

would spark his interest.

       The challenge: I suggested that if he did his homework for

two straight weeks without missing a single assignment, I would

buy him McDonald’s for lunch, bring it to him at school and eat

with him. Two weeks later, guess who was treated to

McDonald’s? Tony met the challenge because he could see the

reward – a fun, free lunch. Tony wasn’t a bad kid. He just didn’t

feel satisfaction from doing his homework.

       However, he did feel satisfaction out of meeting his challenge.

His mom was delighted and started using the same system of

rewards to deal with Tony.

       From then on, she had a system centered on the belief that he

could have anything he wanted as long as he earned it. He didn’t

always get McDonald’s or toys; instead, his positive actions

were rewarded with positive activities. For good grades, his

mom would take her son to the park to shoot hoops, to the

local recreation center to swim, or to extra karate classes. The

system of rewards was much more effective than punishing failure.

       That’s Black Belt Parenting!

       The best reward you can give your children is spending time

with them. Tony’s mom gave rewards such as taking walks with

him, inviting him to help cook a dinner of his choice or going to

the library together. Giving time as a reward benefits parent and

child. Nothing can replace the time a parent spends with their

children. If you are busy, get around it by inviting your child to

be part of something you have to do, such as helping cook dinner.

Make it fun by making a favorite dish or dessert.

       If you have work to do at home, make it possible for your

child to help. For example, if you are preparing for a job inter-

view, a speech or presentation, practice with your child. It is

important to include your children in as much of your life as you

can. And challenging is one of the most effective methods

around.

       Challenges can give your children lessons in economics and

show them how hard work (cause) earns money and prestige

(effect).

       Send the message that they can have anything they want as

long as they work for it. Not only that, but the more they

achieve in rewards the more confidence they will have, and the

more successful they will feel. The more successful they feel, the

more in control they will be. Successful businesspeople employ

these techniques and rich people think this way. You should,

too.

       It is unreasonable to offer rewards out of your price range or

their maturity level, but you don’t have to say ‘no’ all the time,

either. Instead of denying requests, allow them with a condition.

When a child wants to stay up an hour later than bedtime, allow

him or her to do it as long as half the extra time is spent doing

chores. If the child wants to go to an amusement park, set up

rules so that when the family loads into the car, the child feels a

       The economics lessons weren’t missed by an 8-year-old stu-

dent, Jason, who wanted to buy a video featuring his favorite television

characters. Jason’s mother agreed to buy him the video

as long as he put his toys away every day for a month without

being asked. If he had to be asked, he would start over from

“day one.” Needless to say, Jason had his video a month later

and continued to put his toys away because it became a positive

and rewarded activity. He would not have developed the

habit without first being offered a reward.

       For his next request, Jason wanted to buy nunchakus. These

are wooden sticks held together by chains and are used in

karate as a weapon and teaching tool. Jason was a model student

at karate and earned straight A’s in school. However, nunchakus

were still not appropriate for his age. Jason’s mother and

I agreed that his hands were not big enough and he lacked the

coordination to control nunchakus. Jason could hurt himself or

someone else trying to master them. Even professional martial

artists occasionally slip and injure themselves or a training partner

with them.

       As a compromise, Jason’s mother told him that if he continued

to meet the challenge of earning straight A’s, he could have

rubber nunchakus. Once he mastered those, he could have the

wooden ones. Jason agreed, thinking he would have his adult

“chucks” in a matter of weeks. Jason was excited and eager to

move on to the next level so he practiced often. Still, nunchakus

are a very challenging tool and he didn’t move on to adult

chucks until he was 13.

       Age-appropriate rewarding applies to older children as well.

A 14-year-old student, Aaron, wanted an off-road three-wheeler

bike and nothing else. However, his parents rightfully said he

could not have one because he was legally too young and

three-wheelers are expensive and potentially dangerous vehicles.

Aaron was indignant and insisted that because he got good

grades, he should get the reward he wanted. The appropriate

response in such a case is to compromise, or suggest he can

have a three-wheeler when he earns enough money to buy it

himself. That scenario eliminates the chance Aaron will be riding

an ATV before his 16th birthday because it will take so long to

raise the money.

       It is not necessary to give in to every reward your child

wants. Even as you are raising your child in a positive atmosphere,

it is important to maintain the role of disciplinarian

because children are your responsibility. Even as parents fulfill

their role as disciplinarians there are ways to make the positive

messages stick. One way to challenge is to use competition.

There are many activities that can incorporate competition and

in most cases the child won’t even realize it is a challenge.

Use a timer. In class, students told to do 20 laps grudgingly

jogged around the practice floor. When I started using a timer

to challenge them, students pushed themselves to beat their old

times. By putting a time limit on the exercise, students used the

challenge to put some wind under their heels. This can also be

applied at home. Students can be timed to clean their room,

wash the dishes, or do any chores. Try it. I believe you will be

happy with your results.

       Many karate schools still use push-ups as punishment for students

who misbehave. As this becomes a routine punishment, it

doesn’t take long before push-ups are the most dreaded activity.

But they’re a great exercise. Now I offer the opportunity to do

push-ups as a way to get better, not a punishment for failure.

When I abandoned them as punishment and embraced them as

rewards, students changed their attitude as well.

       When someone isn’t paying attention in class, I don’t demand

push-ups. I try to make them want to change their behavior by

challenging them.

       A student named Teddy was a troublemaker and his lack of

attention distracted other students as well. He would do the

wrong exercise or make funny noises. I tried to ignore him, but

had reached the end of my rope when he was imitating Power

Rangers while he did the moves.

       I felt insulted that this student was making a mockery of my

class. I worked very hard to keep everyone’s attention and I

knew that he was trying to challenge me. It is a feeling that parents

echo when they find their children won’t listen. I decided

to make an example of Teddy and loudly pointed out his flaws.

       “Why are you making those noises?” I asked sternly, “Let’s see

what happens when you hold your arms out for the rest of the

class, if you’re still making noises.”

       Teddy was embarrassed and resentful. His ego was as sore as

his arms. As soon as his punishment time was over, he went

right back to his previous attitude. I was livid. But the next day I

employed a different strategy – challenging him – and it worked

wonders on Teddy’s attitude.

       Although I was tempted to yell at Teddy the next time I

noticed him drifting off, I asked him to demonstrate a particular

kick in front of the class. I chose an easy one because I didn’t

want to embarrass him. Teddy kicked as high as he could, but

his energy was low. I asked him to lead the class in doing 10

kicks. Now everyone was looking at Teddy as a leader, and it

was time for him to measure up. He mustered his energy and

directed the class through 10 kicks. Every time he kicked, it was

the best I’d ever seen him do. Each one was better than the last.

He loudly directed the class through the kicks like a confident

teacher. He was poised in front of the class with a look of determination

on his face.

       When Teddy returned to his place in line, he paid close attention

and practiced with intensity as if everybody was still looking

at him as a leader. His confidence was up and he didn’t think

about making jokes for attention anymore. If he were called on

again to be a leader, he wanted to impress the class by setting a

good example. Teddy realized that if he was going to be an

example to others, he had to keep improving so the others were

impressed with his skill.

       Lou Holtz, the legendary Notre Dame football coach, said,

“How you respond to the challenge in the second half will

determine what you become after the game, whether you are a

winner or a loser.” In the first half, I was losing to Teddy

because I couldn’t control my anger. In the second half, I tried a

different strategy and Teddy and I both became winners.

Push-ups and similar exercises are an opportunity to show off

and build strength, rather than induce humiliation. Children

could also be encouraged to do simple, repetitive exercises at

home as a reward. Doing homework and reading should not be

viewed as punishment, either. Children should think of them as

events that create a positive reward.

       In another class, the problem was not a lack of trying. The student

was trying and still failing. As we practiced a technique

over and over, 10-year old Caroline was the only person who

kept using the wrong hand, stepping the wrong way or forgetting

a step. The rest of the class was ready to move on, but she

was stuck and I had to keep calling her name to instruct her to

switch her feet, step the other way or turn around. I did not

insult her, but it was clear that Caroline didn’t think she could

cut it. A few other students noticed her struggling and she was

getting embarrassed.

       Instead of giving up on her for falling behind, I remembered

to try the system of challenging. I did not want Caroline to give

up, so I told her a story about the time I couldn’t do a single

push-up, but by practicing every day, I had built up my strength

to do hundreds. Caroline was in a similar predicament.

In this example, part of the challenge was pointing out that

perfection does not come easy and practicing is the key to

reaching perfection. I told her the example of my past shortfalls

to let her know that success is just around the corner. She

accepted the challenge.

       After hearing of examples when I didn’t quite meet the grade,

same kind of frustration that she went through, she resolved to

keep trying. Caroline did not execute the technique in class that

day, but she did show an abundance of determination. Nearly a

week later, Caroline finally nailed her technique. She came to

class a few minutes early and demonstrated her accomplishment.

“Mr. B, look! I can do it now!” she said. With that kind of

confidence, Caroline was eager to be first in line for the next

technique.

       If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. That

philosophy works in karate class and it will work in the home.

Before pointing out flaws, find something positive to say. I

would never say, “You’re doing that kick wrong and you haven’t

been able to do it right once all day. Give me 10 push-ups.

Don’t show me those sissy kicks again tomorrow.”

       I choose a specific aspect of the kick and challenge the student

to meet the goal. For example, “That was a great effort.

This time, point your toes and snap the kick.” The student

needs direction and specific advice for improvement. If a student

isn’t punching the target correctly, I say, “Those are such

strong punches. Try not to bend your wrist and strike with this

part of your hand so that you don’t break your wrist.”

The same method can be used in almost any situation to challenge

your children.

       If your children have trouble with a homework assignment,

patiently go over it with them. If he or she worked hard on a

model airplane and some of the pieces are in the wrong place,

do not point out the flaws. Instead, point out the good work by

carefully gluing the pieces together and sticking to the project.

After the child has confidence, offer to help build the next

model airplane and show how to follow the instructions.

       Asking a child to stop running around rarely works. Children

have more energy than adults and don’t have the patience to

store it for later. Rather than yelling or insisting on a certain

mode of behavior, find an activity that distracts them from causing

problems.

       I was in a medical waiting room where another patient had a

three-year-old child wearing out the patience of everyone in the

office. The mother occasionally smiled apologetically but it did

nothing to appease the crowded room of sniffling, aching,

coughing visitors. To make matters worse, the young girl had

just eaten a lollipop. As she darted around the room, she left a

trail of sticky handprints on chairs and the pants of some visitors.

One older lady could not hold back her anger and said,

“Excuse me, please control your child. She is running around

here out of control and making a mess. I am annoyed and the

rest of this waiting room is annoyed and you aren’t doing anything

about it.”

       The woman was hurt and offended to hear those words. I

could see that it felt like that woman slapped her with the accusation

that she wasn’t a fit mother. As she tried to hold back

tears, the mother desperately attempted to control her daughter,

but the quick toddler would squirm away. “Damn it, sit still!” she

shouted in a desperate attempt to show the angry old woman

she was trying. The startled little girl sat still for a few minutes

then returned to playing around the room.

       A very bright woman in the waiting room suggested the mother

play a game that might distract the little girl. No one had any

games and there wasn’t enough room to set up any physical

activities. Since the mom didn’t understand her options, the

woman began to engage the young girl in conversation.

She began a story of a fairly tale princess living in a faraway

land. She allowed the girl to fill in details of the story and they

developed the plot together. The girl was so busy trying to

think of an outrageous way to slay the dragon, the others in the

waiting room barely even noticed her. By engaging the girl’s

mind and interests, the woman succeeded in changing the girl’s

behavior. The girl had been running around because she had

nothing better to do and merely “sitting still” was not an intriguing

way to spend her time.

       Another option is to give the child a pen and a piece of paper

to draw a picture of a house or brontosaurus or their favorite

foods. That is a constructive use of time and it avoids an embarrassing

situation in which the child is running around and, in this

case, disturbing other patients and medical personnel.

There is no situation that justifies using angry words to judge

your child’s performance. “Damn it, sit still” is unacceptable

behavior from an adult.

       Abraham Lincoln found a way to compliment a general who

had put Union troops in danger during the dark days of the Civil

War and had even insulted his president’s leadership abilities.

It’s a wonderful expression of how to use words to make your

point even in a tense and difficult situation. I first read this story

in How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

General Joseph Hooker, head of the Army of the Potomac,

was the offending party. Lincoln was facing scrutiny from the

public and Congress while his men were dying. Each battle was

a struggle for survival of the Union. Even facing these odds,

Lincoln tactfully used a challenge to motivate the general rather

than berate him for his blunders.

       In a famous letter to Hooker written April 26, 1863, Lincoln

wrote, “ … I think it best for you to know that there are some

things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.”

Lincoln went on, “You are ambitious, which, within reasonable

bounds, does good rather than harm. But I think that during

General Burnside’s command of the army you have taken counsel

of your ambition and thwarted him as much as you could, in

which you did a great wrong to the country and to a most meritorious

and honorable brother officer.”

       Lincoln does a wonderful job of citing the positive, then

explaining the criticism. Lincoln concludes his letter with the

statement, “Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless

vigilance go forward and give us victories.”

And when children challenge your ability to challenge them,

hold steady and don’t let them intimidate you. In the words of

former CBS commentator Elmer Davis, “The first and great commandment

is, don’t let them scare you.” In parenting, the stakes

and emotional toll are high. Children can be unpredictable and

try to flex their rebellion in ways you’re not prepared for, but

don’t let them scare you. Maintain your authority.

Introducing the concept of challenges in how you handle your

children may help prevent adverse situations in the future, or at

least ensure that your child will learn from mistakes.

Learn a lesson from Muhammad Ali. Have faith, meet your

challenges in life, and believe in yourself—essential steps in mastering

the art of Black Belt Parenting.

Chapter 2

Marian Wright Edelman

Founder and President of the

Children’s Defense Fund

       Here’s the scenario: you are talking on the phone and your

son is laughing so loud with one of his pals that you can barely

hear yourself talking, let alone your friend. What do you say?

a) “Don’t be so loud.”

b) “Speak quietly.”

       There may not appear to be a big difference between “Don’t

be so loud” and “Speak quietly.” Both might accomplish the

same goal—the child will lower the volume of his voice.

However, using the word “don’t” puts a negative slant to the

comment. Something as simple as taking the word “don’t” out

of your vocabulary can make a huge difference in how a child

reacts to your words.

       Your child will probably tone down his voice with either

response. When you say, “Don’t be so loud,” he thinks about

how he has a loud voice and the words “so loud” resonate in his

head. If the response is a more positive “Speak quietly,” he merely

thinks about changing the volume of his voice to a lower level.

Even though “Don’t be so loud” may have the same effect as

“Speak quietly” in the short-term, the overall benefit of using

positive words can have an impact on your child’s future selfesteem

and behavior. Negative words send the message that the

child was doing something wrong. Positive words turn the message

into a request. “Don’t” draws attention to the flaw so that

the child can not think of anything else.

       There is a humorous story of a father I know, Mr. Krane, who

learned a lesson about using “Don’t” from his son, K.J. One day,

they were visiting at the house of a friend. While the adults

enjoyed coffee and watched golf on television, K.J. played with

the friend’s son of the same age. While K.J. was playing with toy

cars on the floor, he accidentally cut himself. He started crying

and ran to his father.

       Mr. Krane saw that it was only a small cut and he asked his

friend for an adhesive bandage. He gave it to his son and

resumed his conversation with his friend. The kids used the

buddy system to get the Band-Aid on and then K.J. dropped the

wrapping on the floor.

       “Don’t leave that on the floor!” said Mr. Krane.

K.J. picked it up in his sore hand and continued playing. What

do you think happened to the bandage wrapper? Since Dad

didn’t tell him what to do with it, K.J. didn’t know where to put

it. They were at a friend’s house and he didn’t want to wander

around on his own or ask his friend what to do, so he just held

it. Mr. Krane noticed his son was playing with one clenched fist,

but he assumed it was because the bandage was a little uncomfortable.

About two hours later, the Kranes were getting ready to

drive home. When K.J. put on his coat, he put his hand through

the sleeve and opened it just enough to reveal the wrapper. Mr.

Krane and his friend started to laugh.

“Did you have that in your hand the whole time?” Mr. Krane

asked.

“Yes. You told me not to put it on the floor,” said K.J.

“Sure, but you could have thrown it in the trash.”

K.J. was embarrassed, but Mr. Krane learned a valuable lesson.

the hard way.

       As part of the daily routine, I’ve always gathered my karate

students after class to tell them announcements about upcoming

events and then bow out. I kneel on the mat, and the students

crowd in around me. At first, students would run into

each other, push each other and fall down trying to get in place.

I would say, “Everybody come over here. Don’t run.” But the

students did not listen. They would run anyway to get in the

seats closest to me. I felt like I was losing control. The attitude

during class is that students should be energetic and volunteer

to display their moves, but unorganized running is not permitted

at the end of class.

       I started brainstorming about ways I could persuade the class

to slow down for that part of the session. I finally realized I just

had to rephrase the message in a positive manner. Instead of

saying “Don’t run,” I started saying “Everybody walk over here.”

Most people know that when you say “don’t run,” you mean

“walk.” However, children need direct instructions. Say exactly

what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to

do.

       There is an experiment you can try at home and on your

friends to make this point. Tell your spouse or friends to look

around the room, but don’t look at anything red. Then tell them

to close their eyes and ask, “What was blue?”

       They probably won’t remember because you had them concentrating

on not looking at red. They won’t see the blue,

because they won’t be looking for it. By calling attention to the

color red, you immediately notice it is there. By calling attention

to students running across the mat, they immediately

become aware of their speed and begin racing each other. In

their minds “Don’t run” becomes “run!” By directing them to

the act of walking, the thought of running does not even cross

their minds.

       This lesson is also valuable in teaching your children why it’s

important to look for the good in people. If I tell you to only

look for blue, your recall of blue items will likely be sharp. If you

only look for the bad in people, you’re certain to find it. It’s

your decision on how to see the world.

       Let’s do a quick experiment to help put into perspective why

someone concentrates on the words that follow “Don’t.” Bear

with me and you will see how this applies to Black Belt

Parenting.

       Use your imagination to visualize a warm sunny day with a

stiff breeze at your back. The sun is high and the sky is cloudless.

Don’t think about the looming dark gray sky dragging storm

clouds over your head. Think about the sun. Don’t think about

the sudden change to gloomy weather.

       Don’t think about the first few drops of rain smacking the

sidewalk. Keep thinking about the sun. Don’t think about the

leak in the ceiling dripping cold water onto your cheek. Don’t

think about the pouring rain.

       Concentrate on the bright sun that shone just a few minutes

ago.

       Don’t think about going outside in the chilly storm wearing a

T-shirt and sweatpants. Think about a blue cloudless sky.

Don’t imagine yourself pulling a hood over your head as a

rain shield only to splash some water collected in the hood onto

your face.

       Don’t think about the water seeping under your jacket and

into your clothes. Don’t think about your chills as the frigid

water slides down your neck and back.

       Was it hard to concentrate on the sun shining while your

imagination had droplets of rain hitting you? That’s what happens

when you use the word don’t. It’s hard to see the positive

when there are negative words surrounding it.

Children who hear “don’t” are being encouraged to be passive

with a stifled sense of curiosity.

       “Do your children view themselves as successes or failures?

Are they being encouraged to be inquisitive or passive? Are they

afraid to challenge authority and to question assumptions? Do

they feel comfortable adapting to change? Are they easily discouraged

if they cannot arrive at a solution to a problem?”

wrote Lawrence Kutner, a child psychologist and author.

The right answers to those questions determine whether your

child is getting a good education. Your child’s education and

attitude toward it starts at home.

       It is important to cultivate your children’s curiosity even when

they are doing things they shouldn’t. It would be a dreary world

if children did not get their hands dirty, feet muddy or clothes

creased. Help them keep their sense of adventure and love of

life by telling them better things to do. Use a bit of Black Belt

Parenting. Give them positive direction rather than simply saying,

“Don’t.”

        When children are not paying attention in karate class, it is

necessary to work for their attention rather than punish the

action with quick commands.

       When Maryanne was in the beginner class, she would randomly

add jumps and spins to the simple kicks I was teaching.

She hadn’t mastered the basic kicks and was not following along

with the class. Even though I admired her efforts to attempt

advanced kicks, it was disruptive during class. I did not want to

discourage her from testing her limits and wanted to see her

continue practicing those moves in the future.

In the past, though, I might have said, “Don’t jump. Just kick,”

or “Turn around, stay on the ground and kick. You’re not ready

for those other moves.”

       One day in class, I walked over to Maryanne right after she

had done a spinning kick and told her she had done a super

powerful kick. “I hope you’ll practice that at home and then it

will impress everyone in the advanced class. For now, though,

I’d like to see you snap a perfect simple front kick. Your spin

kicks will only get better if you practice the basic moves first. I

always practice simple moves before getting into the more highflying

moves.”

       Maryanne didn’t even realize that she was being told to stop

doing something she wasn’t supposed to do. She saw it as a big

compliment and began practicing at home. She practiced the

basic kicks in class because I told her to and she believed it

would help her ultimate goal. And it did!

       Several times after that, she would try to catch my attention

before class and show me how high her jump kicks had

become. They were incredible. I also made a special effort to

point out her improvement in the basic kicks so that she would

get satisfaction out of practicing them as well.

       Sometimes I would even practice the spin kicks with her after

class so she felt like we were training together and to reward her

for paying attention in class.

       In another situation, I found a way to encourage students to

spar without fighting. Sparring is the part of karate when students

can test their skills and gain experience in a self defense

situation without actually being in danger. In our school, students

are required to wear protective gear on their head, mouth,

hands, feet and shins. That way they can feel free to throw

punches but the recipient will not be hurt.

       One day I saw two advanced students, Rob and Brett, sparring

before class. They had been sparring in class for years and

decided to throw a few jabs at each other without putting on

their protective gear. They knew that was against the rules.

Rather than angrily screaming, “Don’t do that! You know there’s

no sparring without gear,” I held my tongue and asked them to

train their hardest at a safer activity before class.

       “Don’t practice sparring” is not the message I wanted to send.

I wanted them to spar, but properly, safely and by our rules.

“Why don’t you save sparring for class time? Try these exercises

before class to improve your technique. Whenever I train for a

tournament, I always practice like this,” I said.

Rob and Brett were happy that they weren’t in trouble and

were eager to learn new moves. If I had used the word “don’t”

they might have felt insulted. They are great students and always

show self-control when they spar, so I didn’t want them to think

I didn’t trust them.

       I said it was okay for them to practice together as long as they

didn’t get into sparring positions. After practicing new moves for

a while, Rob suggested other moves they could do without actually

hitting each other. Because I gave them the benefit of the

doubt and allowed them to keep practicing and socializing, they

wanted to follow the rules.

       You don’t always have to provide an answer for what your

child can do to replace their current activity. Approach the situation

with a question.

       If your child is sitting in front of the television, it is not necessary

to tell them what to do. Merely put another idea in the

child’s head in the form of a question and let the ideas roll.

Simply say, “Is there something else you could do? It’s a beautiful

day outside. Are there any activities you can play out there?”

The response could be, “I was hoping to play catch football. I’ll

see if my friends can play” or “Yeah, I can watch this TV show

anytime. I’ll go shoot hoops with my brother.” A parent might

be tempted to start with a “Don’t,” but holding off for a few sec-

onds, thinking positively, and changing the comment will make

a real difference.

       In every situation where “don’t” is about to come out of your

mouth, think how the situation can be turned into a learning

experience. What questions should your child think about

before doing something? Encourage that thought process and

the child will be thoughtful, engaging and reasonable in future

discussions and decision making. In fact, coming up with alternatives

to something they aren’t allowed to do can be a challenge.

Challenge them to think of something creative in place

of a phrase using the word “don’t.”

       Any child can respond to a challenge, although children under

the age of five have a hard time with critical thinking and need

more suggestions than questions. However, you should share

your thought process with the child so they become as accustomed

to responding to quandaries as you do.

       For example, if a young child is trying to press the buttons on

the television, don’t just push their hand away or say “Don’t do

that.”

       “If you want to press buttons, here’s a toy keyboard.”

“If you want to watch TV, let’s sit on the couch together and

wrap a warm blanket around ourselves.”

“You can press the off button here. After that, we will play

with the stuffed animals.”

       Children at first will have a hard time thinking of the toy key-

board when the television buttons are the focus of their immediate

attention. As they get older, they will learn that they can

have their way even if they have to find an alternative that satisfies

mom and dad, too. The alternative has to be a safe, fun

activity.

       Children might think of more dangerous things to do before

coming up with an acceptable alternative. Working through that

process is good training in trial and error. As long as you are

there to point out the errors, the child will be steered on the

right path.

       As you choose the best option, consider what lesson your

child will learn. Perhaps a game that teaches the alphabet by

pressing buttons would be the best option for the child who

wants to play with the television set. The chosen alternative

should fall on the middle ground between what the child wants

to do and what the parent wants the child to do.

        If your child is climbing on a kitchen chair, it may be for the

fun of climbing or a means to reach cookies or an effort to be

rebellious. Talking to your child will reveal clues as to their real

intended activity. If he or she was climbing for the fun of climbing,

giving them a cookie won’t satisfy the need. The best way

to find out what someone wants is to ask.

“What are you trying to do?”

The child may answer, “I want a cookie” or “Look how tall I

am on the chair.” Based on that answer, you can determine

which alternative is best. Perhaps the answer is “You can have a

cookie after dinner” or “I’ll lift you up so that you are taller than

me.”

       If you try to figure it out yourself, both of you may become

frustrated because your own biases will seep through. If you

automatically assume the child is being rebellious, you will hurt

the learning process and possibly impede moving on.

This can be especially dangerous when other people are

involved, including siblings and friends. Misinterpreting the

child’s behavior in front of someone else can be very non-productive.

If your child grabs a toy from another child’s hand, it

may be that the child is being greedy. But the more likely scenario,

especially with someone under the age of five, is that that

he or she isn’t thinking about other people’s feelings. The child

doesn’t have the control to think about how someone else

might feel about losing a toy. The solution here is to find a toy

that satisfies both children, rather than admonishing them for

fighting with each other. The child was not trying to hurt the

friend.

       As children get older, they may come up with alternatives to

the activity they’re told not to do. If they are told not to write

on the wall, a parent may suggest a coloring book. This may

seem like a minor success, however, this positive method of discipline

will teach them to color in the book, not to write on the

wall again.

       Children will experiment and try to push the rules. In fact, that

is the kind of behavior you can encourage. Giving children

opportunities to think about what they are doing and to explore

their options helps them to make good choices. In the long run

that is how they will grow. Your children are not perfect and

have to learn from their mistakes like the rest of us.

       Circus trainers are able to control fleas by taking advantage of

a flea’s negative attitude. Certain kinds of fleas can jump more

than 100 times their height, but circus trainers are able to

restrict them from jumping so high without even putting a lid on

a jar.

       Here’s how the trainers do it. First, they decide how high they

want the fleas to jump. The fleas are placed in a jar with the lid

on at just about the same height the trainers want the fleas to

jump. For the first few hours, the fleas will jump so high they

repeatedly bang their heads against the lid. After a while, the

fleas start jumping with less force. Eventually, all of them jump

consistently to one inch below the lid to avoid the pain of hitting

it.

       The flea becomes conditioned to avoid pain and will not jump

as high as the lid level. When the trainers take the lid off, the

fleas continue to restrict themselves to the same height as if the

lid were still on. In fact, the fleas will never jump out – a perfect

example of negative conditioning.

       If you put a lid on your child’s efforts, they are only going to

jump so high. Practice Black Belt Parenting and show your children

that “the sky’s the limit.”

Jump!